Welcome back mr. panic attack

so if you are reading this, hopefully we are friends...and if we're not...well I don't know what to tell you. Anyhoo, as my friend you probably know that I am prone to panic attacks. Maybe some consider it a quirk, I quite frankly wish I knew what life was like without it.

Anyhoo, so I wrote the whole entry last night about packing and moving. I was doing pretty good, I woke up today and pretty much spent most of the day packing. I was still slightly anxious, but moving at a pretty good rate so I wasn't too worried that I have until monday (but I work full 8 hour days saturday and sunday, so I am going to be in no mood to pack) to have my life in boxes. Until a little while ago my world got all shaken up (as it does fairly often I must say, can I PLEASE just catch a break???) The apartments I am moving into are not going to be finished in time to move monday and I am getting pushed back to Saturday.

Knowing that I was moving into new apartments I slightly suspected that might happen, and even voiced concern, but was told repeatedly that it would not happen and I would be fine. I'm just really frustrated because I deliberatly left a week for me to get completely moved, so that I could get my stuff out the old apartment cleaned, the wall in my room painted back to it's original color...and I guess luckily I had that week...but it just messes everything up. I had movers coming monday, my electricity is getting turned on monday, I had taken off work monday. Maybe it's not a huge deal, maybe I'm being a diva, I mean everything is taken care of movers are now coming saturday, my boss said he would work with me and help me get switched around so hopefully I can have off saturday. My sister is supposed to be moving too, and I'm not sure if it's going to be the same day but it makes me so anxious that we might have our movers here at the same time...how crazy would that be.

I know this is all trivial, I know there are bigger problems in the world...I mean essentially I am whining that I am not not going to have 2 apartments for a week...I am slightly relieved to not have to pay 2 rents for that week. I think I would be less mad if I hadn't been told time and time again that this exact situation I was worried about wouldn't be happening...is now happening.

I'm moving on

So Erin wrote a blog about the things she loves (check it out in the blogs I read, mac and cheese)about moving. I have a completely different opinion. I am moving and as of 8:46 thursday night I have a grand total of 2 boxes packed. I have movers coming monday afternoon, but I just don't care...looking around at the daunting task of packing every single thing I own...No thanks. In a perfect world, I would get to my new apartment, and individually put each thing into it's new spot and for once in my life live in a tidy environment...be lets be honest we all know me and I am having movers come so everything will get rushed over in a matter of hours, the boxes I need in the immediate future will be opened, but I will only pull out what I need, I will not put away the whole box. Everything else will remain in boxes until a random day where I decide to finally unpack...which will probably happen in January. On top of that I will still be working through the move, so I'm not going to feel like putting any more effort forward than necessary.

Although I do enjoy getting to reminince while packing and unpacking...but I've moved pretty much twice a year for the last few years so there really isn't anything I haven't seen recently.

I am excited about cleaning out my closet. Wardrobe boxes are probably the best invention EVER. I can hang all my clothes and just put them in a hanging box and be done with it. As I was packing today I put anything I haven't worn in the last year or so seperate and it will be making a final journey to goodwill tomorrow. It's sorta relieving...because it appears that I have SO many clothes and it's almost daunting to even look in my closet, but most of it is stuff I haven't worn in years, hence why it's even hanging, we all know that the clothes I actually wear are probably strewn across my floor because they got washed but not put away or I wore them again before putting them away.

For the Libby fans. She had her surgery (the picture at the top is post surgery, when she still hated me), it turned out the she didn't simply displace her knee, that she actually tore a ligament requiring surgery. That was about a week ago and she is doing fairly good. She spends a lot of her days sleeping which is really nice and a little odd. I'm pretty sure she does it on purpose but I can never find my remote control, she usually lays on top of it, then squeels in pain when I have to lift her to look for it.

authenticity?

I don't even know how to start this. first things first...

My "u" button is still not working...but I am getting a new computer in a few days (if you have a dell and want to know a secret message me ;) )
the rumor is true, my DOG dislocated her knee...who does that? Not only that but she is on bed rest for a week! how am I supposed to keep my dog still for a week? HAve you ever met my dog?

OK, but I didn't set out to talk about libby...it's just easier than what is really on my mind. If you have talked to me in the last 6 months you probably know a lot is going on, and I am not going into detail on here, if you don't understand you can ask me, but I'm not posting my personal life on the internet...just some of the feelings related to it.

It sucks...there are so many aspects of my life I am fed up with right now, I feel like nursing school is slipping further and further out of reach, I'm getting older and older to where it is not so acceptable that I don't have a degree. I don't have friends here...I spend most of my time working or catching up from working that it doesn't leave time for things like making new friends.

And that in and of itself is so freaking hard. Church seems to be the obvious place to try to find friends...but I just can't. There is so many unknowns in that regard in my heart...I just don't know how to even explain it. I just don't feel like I belong there. And I'm feeling like I hate myself, how am I supposed to make friends when I don't even like myself?

Then that leaks over into my regular life, I don't have friends, I don't have people to talk to, I just come home and play with Libby (my dog if you are not aware).

I'm just at a loss, I feel like I can't fix this...