You see what had happened was...

Catch me when I fall

2010-05-09T17:17:00.000-05:00

Is anybody out there?
Does anybody see?
That when the lights are off something's killing me.
I know it seems like people care,
Cause they're always around me.
But when the day is done and everybody runs

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall

When the show is over
And it's empty everywhere
It's so hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall

It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you've been on
That you're coming off
Leaves you feeling lost

Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
sometimes lonliness
is just apart of me

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall
Who's gonna catch me when I fall
Who's gonna catch me when I fall
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall
-Ashlee Simpson

Not ready to make nice

2010-02-23T15:49:00.003-06:00

"I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should"
-Dixie Chicks

I'm pretty sure I've used this title before, but what can you do, sometimes a song just says things better than I can.

I am not going to lie, I pretty much abandoned my blog...as I've said before the constant "I can't say this because _______ might read it" just got exhausting and by the time I edit myself it loses all meaning. All of that now to say I'm pretty sure there aren't many people reading this, which is fine, I think it's more for me to write anyway...and if by chance someone else reads it...cool... I guess.

I'm so worn out and exhausted, which is weird because I haven't been to work since Friday. All I usually want from life is a break, and now that I have it, I am miserable. Maybe not as miserable as the situation that brought me to this place, but not much better.

Long story short...if thats even possible in this situation, I'm on a week long break from work, a situation got wayyyy out of control, I wound up having a breakdown and my dr wound up ordering time off...which coincidentally I have next week off for vacation, but thats just a coincidence...believe me if I was going to get an extra week of vacation this is NOT how I would spend it.

I don't think people realize how physical the symptoms of a anxiety attack can be. Like I said I'm worn out, I haven't been eating... I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything. You would think that having just had a week off my house would be spotless, but most days I don't even have the energy to get out of bed, let alone do anything productive...so I'm embarrased to say it's worse than normal.

I actually started this blog on monday I think, maybe tuesday. Since then I have resolved myself to be better. I came to the conclusion that sitting around being sad was not going to help anything, so I've gotten out of the house.

Not to say that I'm not still mad, I'm not still frustrated...because I am...but there is no point worrying now. I'm sure sometime before I go back to work that will be harder.

Right now I just have to go one day at a time, luckily I'm about to be busier...I'm hitting crunch time for packing and what not. I'm dreading going back to work...I miss my job, but I'm afraid that I'm entering into the same situation I left. Not only that but I have to come back and prove myself to my co workers. I know it sucks that I've been gone...I would have been mad if they had done it, I just wish I could convey that 1) it wasn't my choice/decision 2) it wasn't an easy out.

Emotional

2010-02-12T23:09:00.002-06:00

"Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing always easy, but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional"
-Diana Degarmo

So, if you know me at all you would know in general I am not a very emotional person. I generally stay calm, I don't cry much, even when I'm angry I can usually just hold it in and vent later. I get worked up, but usually I just need a good vent session every once and a while and I'm good.

So, If you have met me or seen me recently...you know all of what I just said hasn't been true lately. I cry at the drop of a hat, I am pretty generally stressed out ALL the time, I have caught myself being rude to friends and strangers.

It's just not me...and that makes it all the harder, it is so frustratingly hard to not feel like yourself. Especially when I have glimpses of my old self. I don't know what is wrong with me. Ultimately I think I'm just unhappy, and I think I even know what I need to do to fix it, but that is a terrifying step in and of itself. I really hate the unknown.

I don't know what would be easier...rewinding or fast forwarding...all I know is I hate where I am.

dilemma

2010-01-09T23:22:00.002-06:00

So I have this dilemma. Unless you live under a facebook rock (which I don't know how that would be possible if you are reading this) You know that I have given Libby away. She is at my moms, and no that does not mean I can see her when I want, that actually makes this much harder, because I will now have this thrown in my face as yet another way that I have failed at life...now I can't even properly care for a dog. In fact in the conversation I had with her in giving her to my mom she said "I will keep her, even if it gets hard" (this was because I told her I really can't take her back, this has happened before where I have said that I can't keep her, she goes to my moms and my mom thinks a week later I'll be over it and take her back) Really, giving Libby up was one of the hardest things I could ever do...I know it's dumb and I don't know when I became one of those crazy dog owners...but I am. So I'm mad that my mom is acting like this was an easy cop out for me. I've tried everything I know to do and ultimately it just isn't fair to Libby to be cooped up in an apartment while I'm at work all the time, she needs a back yard and room to run.

So I really miss Libby, I loved that she is a great cuddler. If she were here right now she'd be under my blanket by my feet, and once I go to bed she would wait until I settled and then come to her spot next to me, and everytime I would roll over she would get up and move to the same spot on the other side. It hasn't even been a full day, but I miss the excitement when I come home.

So I started thinking, I can't take Libby back, like I said I am mad and frustrated that she destroys everything, but I can't blame her, she gets bored and there is only so much I can do when I'm gone all day, I can't afford day care every day I've tried different toys, by the time I get home I'm exhausted and it's dark, so a long walk or the dog park are out of the question. I can't get another dog, it would possibly be the same situation...my schedule just doesn't really allow for a dog. So, I thought about a cat. Now, I don't really like cats...in fact I'm allergic to them last time I checked, not like hugely, but if I touch a cat and touch my face it gets red and itchy. But a cat would be much better suited for my life style...much easier to box train, and hopefully would be willing to cuddle. I'm thinking about adopting a kitten, the upkeep is MUCH cheaper than a dog (especially libby). But I don't know, I can't even think of another pet name, with Libby I knew her name before I even saw her, and it fits her perfectly, but cats are different, I don't know why but they are. And with a cat I feel like I could have a whole other set of problems than I did with a dog, my apt is small, so I don't really have a good place for a litter box, and I don't want my apt to smell like one. Cats scratch things, and I have wood floors, granted libby has already chewed most of my furniture. My sister hates cats so when she comes to visit she wouldn't want to stay with me.

any suggestions? and NO FISH!!!

Happy Hour

2009-11-01T12:25:00.002-06:00

No, no, no...not what your thinking. Just expressing my gratitude for the extra hour added to my sleep last night. You know what I just thought about. How come when we get that extra hour, you never hear anyone say "wow, an extra hour in the day to get more stuff done" no, it's always, "yes I get to sleep in an hour" I just think it's funny that I am not the only member of society that HUGELY appreciates the act of sleeping.

Good thing I got an extra hour because I was none too happy about the text I got at 2am that woke me up. I really need to learn to sleep with my phone on vibrate.

So it's November. I can't believe it. I feel like the stores all have their Christmas decor on standby and any day now I'm going to be inundated with Christmas. I enjoy Christmas...I just like some order in my holidays, let Halloween and thanksgiving have their days in the sun Christmas. On Tuesday I went to target to get a Halloween tshirt to wear to work. I could not find anything, in the place where the shirts were a week earlier there were CHRISTMAS shirts...this was before Halloween. Good thing nobody really celebrates thanksgiving in clothing...maybe they should. I'm starting to feel like thanksgiving is the underdog of the holidays. I mean we get to eat a substantial meal on that day, why not commemorate it with a tshirt like we do with every other holiday. Why is Adam Sandler the only one to write a thanksgiving song. Is there a Charlie Brown thanksgiving story? I can't remember. GO THANKSGIVING!!

sick and tired...

2009-10-20T15:33:00.002-05:00

So today has been less than stellar. I actually had a day off. I have been building it up for the last week or so. I took today off for a undisclosed doctor appt. I didn't need the whole day...ok well i kinda did for my own sanity, but not the point.

So imagine my dismay when over the weekend I started having ear pain. I knew it was probably just congestion, but I have occasionally gotten ear infections from this, so this is when it started creeping in my head that I might need to make another dr appt for today. But I REALLY didn't want to, I hate going to the dr when I know it's really not a big deal. If I could prescribe myself antibiotics that would be perfect because that was all I wanted. Anyhoo, it doesn't matter because at that point I didn't make a appt.

Then yesterday i had a scratchy throat and a very low grade temp (99.9)...not even in fever territory. Throughout the day I also noticed my neck was swollen and sore... I just felt bad. but by the time i got home from work it was too late to try to make an appt with my dr... and I still wasn't convinced I needed to...it was more just a matter of the fact that I had the time off and I knew if it got worse I wouldn't have the luxury of having time off later on.

So I woke up this morning throat even scratchier, but my temp was back down. I almost didn't call, but I did because like I said before, I don't normally have time to go to the dr. Really I thought if this was just a matter of starting antibiotics that I wanted to start them and be done with being sick. So I went to the dr. and was in the waiting room, when a NEWS CREW came in. Are you kidding me? They were asking if anyone had flu...which I was thinking was some sort of HIPAA violation. Of course my body chose that moment to cough, I tried so hard to stifle it, but it came out. They asked if I had flu, and I said no...I really wanted to tell them off about all the swine flu reporting hysteria and the craziness they have caused to my life, but I'm pretty sure Texas Childrens would not be ok with that, so I kept my mouth shut. Luckily I got called back pretty quickly.

Unlucky is when I got called back basically long story short, why have i been sick...I have MONO again. Here is a little lesson for all of you... while I cannot "catch" mono again, i can (and am) relapsing. And even more encouraging is that she said this will probably happen any time I get sick for at least the next year...

THEN...unrelated I went home before my other appt...I was just on my computer, probably facebook, when out of nowhere my eye started hurting like a dart had just been thrown at it, ok not that bad, but still it really hurt. I could barely open my eye enough to get my contact out... sometimes it hurts if I get something on my contact or something, but this wouldn't go away, I couldn't open my eyes and actually fell asleep since I couldn't open them.

So I kept my glasses on and went to my other appt. The undisclosed appt didn't go well, then I decided to go to the eye dr. Since my lazy day had effectively been ruined already. So I now also have a corneal abrasion.

Today can only get better...right?

Long overdue

2009-10-09T21:28:00.004-05:00

I am the worst blogger ever...I'm just saying.

I have good intentions, there are about 9 blogs in my draft folder that I don't post. Part of me is wondering if this blog is going to make it an even 10.

I just have this inner battle when I go to blog. Do you people even care what I'm going to say? Do I have anything worth blogging about? and more often than not I get tired of having to edit my own thinking because I don't know who reads this.

So it's one of the most wonderful times of the year. Sweatshirt/ hoodie weather. My only real delimma is that I don't have a job where I can really wear them anymore. For most of the year I am lucky that my work uniform involves scrubs and tennis shoes, but my heart sinks a little when I see people come in wearing comfy looking sweatshirts. I also love long sleeved t shirts. The cool part about my job is that we can wear Texas Childrens T shirts with our scrubs, but it just sucks because you can only get them from the hospital, well we can order them, but it seems like a complicated process. All of that to say I need to see if I can get the long sleeved ones.

Anyone keeping track on anemia-gate 09...I still love ice...I'm still tired ALL the time...I'm wondering if I have to learn to live with it.

So I am STILL trying to find a church. I'm not going to lie that I am not the most motivated person in this, I really have tried, but I just get so overwhelmed that I can't bring myself to keep trying, then I wind up back at square 1. There was a church that I was going to try, Crosspoint, but I recently found out that my supervisor and manager both go there, while I guess it doesn't really matter, I just think it's better to keep some things separate, and more for their sake, I don't want to invade on their lives, they were there first. I've gone to 2nd baptist, it's kinda like my safety I guess, if in doubt I know I can go there, but it's so big it's hard to not feel like an outsider, I just don't know if I want to go there long term. This whole process is so awkward, I hate doing it alone. When you try churches with someone else it's easier to do I think because you have that person with you so your not waiting for someone to come talk to you, you have that person, but when you are by yourself the whole thing is so awkward, you don't have anyone to talk to, so you just sit quietly, until someone pities you and comes to talk to you, but once you pass the initial conversation phase its just weird, I can't explain the phenomena.

Flu season is killing me. I've almost been at my job for 4 months now, so while I feel pretty self competent in the grand scheme of life I'm still new. It's just so exhausting, don't get me wrong, I love my job...but I feel like it consumes my life. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed, repeat. I'm so tired at the end of the day...I have no desire to do anything else.

Anyhoo, I think I'm commiting to posting this one...hooray

2009-08-15T15:53:00.002-05:00

I was just enjoying a lazy day Saturday when I thought it would be nice to update the ol' blog while I'm not mid crisis :).

Things have been returning to more normal which is a HUGE relief to me. I feel more like myself, which is weird because I never realized how unlike myself I was until recently now that I am feeling better. It's so weird to look back and see how miserable I was, but I didn't even really realize it at the time, if that makes any sense.

I had a slight set back this week when I developed a cold...but luckily that was all it was and I'm actually already 98% over it. Although I'm not going to lie, when I first started noticing it I was scared I was having a mono relapse, I am relieved it was just an everyday cold.

My apt is an overwhelming mess, while I was in the midst of the mono, and when I went back to work full time my dr said to let house (apt?) work go for a bit, that I needed to save my energy...and I took that to heart. Now the thought of cleaning overwhelms me and I don't know where to start. As crazy as my mom drives me, I might see if she wants to come over one day this week and give me a head start...then she can also spend some time with libby...and I'll be at work...it's not like she cares to spend time with me anyway (did I just say that?).

Today is the 15th...which marks 2 months at my job. Granted it was slightly on again off again...it has gone by really fast. I love my job, and I love it even more now that I am not sick anymore. I am so incredibly thankful that I found it right out of school. Especially knowing that some of the people I graduated with...or ones that graduated before me are either still looking for jobs or miserable in jobs they settled for. Every now and then I am dissapointed in myself that I settled for being an MA and that I didn't stick out trying to go to nursing school...but I think I'm in a good place right now in that I can still finish school and get my RN...but in the meantime I'm content in a job I like, getting experience that I couldn't have gotten anywhere else, working with great people...even to the point that I'm totally fine waiting a year or so to go back to school.

Anyhoo, all of that to say life is good for now.

monotastic

2009-07-21T17:48:00.003-05:00

So I still have mono. I wish I had something more interesting to write about. Honestly I'm exhausted and am trying to keep myself awake. I know I'm supposed to sleep when I'm tired, but it's getting to where I'm not sleepy at night if I sleep too much during the day, so I'm taking that as a sign I'm getting better...so I can make myself stay awake during the day some. I think the key now is resting more without sleeping.

It's just so frustrating. I don't even consider myself living a intense lifestyle or anything like that...so the fact that I'm still too tired to go about my everyday activities is a little hard for me. That I can't just up and run to the mall if I want to, that I can't even work a full day...its so annoying. The thing about it all is that I don't necessarily feel bad doing the activities or normal stuff even, but when I get home I am worn out and that's when I get fevers...which will prolong this whole thing.

It's lonely too. I mean I live a pretty solitary life, by choice. Do I always enjoy it...no. But normally it's my decision and if I wanted to I could go out and change it, but now that I can't just go out and do something it sucks. Sometimes I just wish someone could just come watch a movie with me or something...but most people are weary to be around me...granted I'm not contagious. It's a little frustrating to me, but I have to keep in mind that I work in a profession where I'm around sick people all the time, so it doesn't really bother me (probably how I got here to begin with though), but not everyone is used to that and it does sound scary and the "im not contagious" probably isn't that convincing. Here is the deal...at this point I am only contagious when I have a fever over 101. I also just finished a zpack to catch anything else just in case. I caught mono probably in the last few days of my externship, there was a girl who was positive for mono and I was in the room with her for a little while, so chances are she coughed and I caught it. It's not likely that mono is airborn, but it's possible...and considering I know I didn't share a drink with her or anything seems to be the way I caught it. But she had a fever, and was in the beginning of the illness. I've probably already had it 2-3 weeks.

On the semi plus side/superficial negative...my appetite is coming back. I have now been eating a staggering 2 meals a day. neither one is big, I've been utilizing kids menus a lot...but it's nice to want to eat more. Although the weight loss was nice too. It's funny because for a while there, it was more important that I eat and I wasn't hungry I was pretty much letting myself eat anything i remotely wanted no matter how bad it was for me...I rationalized that I needed to eat and I wasn't eating a lot so I let myself, but I'm trying to watch that a little more now, because that will probably add back up quickly.

I go back to the doctor next week. That's when she decides whether or not I'm ready to go back to a regular work schedule. I'm hoping I can, but I have a feeling she's going to make me wait one more week. I'm not sure what she'll be looking for to make that decision, but I just feel so bad that my work is bending over backwards to accommodate me, but at the same time I know if I rush back to a full schedule that i could potentially make this worse and cause a relapse.

anyhoo, I'm off to get dinner

The saga is OVER!!!

2009-07-17T22:08:00.002-05:00

I FINALLY know what is wrong with me. I have mononucleosis (mono). I'm not sure if it's related to when I got sick before in June, but I took a blood test wednesday and the results were definitely mono for now.

Long story short (seriously, I don't really feel like writing). Monday I had an epiphany that I had never really felt "normal" since I had been sick before. My appetite has never gone back to normal...I'm always tired, which I attributed to work...but realized that it is not normal, and my lymph nodes are HUGE. I had noticed in the last 2 weeks that once I got home at night I would run a low grade fever, granted your temp goes up at night naturally, but not to 99+. So I wound up going back to the doctor I saw before, even though I now have insurance, I figured this was more of a "follow up"...he wasn't much help though, he just said I probably had mono, before that didnt get diagnosed, but there was nothing to do, so I went on with life.

Tuesday I felt worse, and wednesday I felt even worse, so I asked to leave work early and went straight to the doctor. She took blood and here we are...monoland. She also said I'm anemic...way to kick me when I'm down body.

This is all making me crazy though. I am sleeping a lot, but I know I have to go back to work monday, so I don't want to get too used to sleeping all day. I'm a little stressed, the only thing really you can do for mono is rest, but I don't really have a lifestyle where that is possible. My work is being so great about all this, I feel awful...it's just between life in general, work, I have my certification test coming next week...I don't have time for this. My doctor said we are taking this one week at a time, so after a week we'll evaluate how im feeling and how much I can handle. She also gave me steroids to help with my energy...I'm nervous about taking them, I'm not so much wanting to bulk up....I mean I just lost 12 pounds thanks to mono, not really looking to gain it back.

anyhoo, thats what is going on peeps...

If you break down...

2009-07-11T21:08:00.002-05:00

"Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the waters getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy"
-Patty Griffin

This song doesn't really fit what I'm about to say either...but it was the only song I could think of related to car trouble...even though I'm pretty sure it's more metaphorical in the song...and I couldn't think of a song related to my stubborness either.

So for the last...I don't know...really long time my car has had this "quirk". I have had trouble getting it out of park. You know how you have to break to change gears, well, in my car it sometimes took a few tries to get the break and gear shift to agree and change, but I had the hang of it, it just took a special little kick to get it to work. It was something I knew I needed to get fixed, but honestly as long as I could get it to work...it wasn't a urgent need...and money had elsewhere to go. You see I was convinced that this problem would cost hundreds of dollars to fix...I mean it was something about the breaks and gears that just sounds complicated.

So today, actually this morning, I really had nothing to do, until I remembered I needed to go to the bank...so I look at the clock and it was 11am...the bank closes at 12. No big deal, I head out the door and get in the car...turn it on...start the ipod...hit the break...and try the shift...nothing...kick try again...nothing...kick...shift...nothing. I get a little frustrated and take a break. Try again...nothing...and again...nothing. I'll save you the rest of the commentary, but this went on for almost an hour and I was almost in tears. So I decided that IF I could get it started I was going to have to suck it up and take it in...and if I didn't, I was going to have to get it towed, but I couldn't take a chance that this could happen before work. Finally, what I am convinced was going to be my last try...it worked. So now I'm thinking...now that I finally got this to work I can't stop anywhere...what if that happens again. So I call my mom to see if she can call Honda dealerships to see if one is open for me to go to. So she gets me in but I have to go all the way over by her house.

Moral of the story is that after 15 minutes and $50 later...my car is fixed. I have been holding out on fixing this for months...Seriously?!

The Honeymoon is over

2009-06-29T20:41:00.002-05:00

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry? -Kelly Clarkson

Maybe those lyrics are a little extreme. But that's kinda how I feel right now. I mean everything is fine. But I don't know, I just feel blah. As I'm sitting here it's raining and thundering like crazy, it's kinda funny to me because thats like my mood. All day it was bright and sunny outside, then I get home and the clouds darken and then rain comes down, and thats kida what happened today. A while back when things were a little bit harder sister noted that my moods tend to swing when the weather does, and although that is an actual disorder, I don't think I have that, but I guess there is some truth to it.

Don't get me wrong, I am still loving life, loving my job and all that, I'm just having a "day" if you will. I had a harder day at work. Nothing in particular, I just get frustrated when I feel like I'm not catching on...like my facebook status says right now "I didn't bring my a-game today" I told someone I think the honeymoon period is over, the newness of my job is wearing off and the mistakes that were once more ok because I was new are not so much anymore, I feel like I need to not lean on the "new" crutch anymore. Granted, there are lots of things that I am still new at, and nobody has said anything to me...this is all my own personal meanderings. I guess just knowing that I did not originally get this job based on experience scares me and I know they took a chance by coming back to me anyway, and so I feel pressure because I don't want to let anyone down...I don't want them to regret picking me. I almost didn't post this because I am now friends with people from work on facebook, so there is a chance they will read this, but sometimes you have to weigh the good with the bad...and I guess right now I just need to get all this out and vent per se. And honestly, I don't think any of this has to do with my melancholy-ness...but I'm just in a mood I guess. Tomorrow can only get better right?

Then...in the style of how things go in my life...I had to change some accounts to online so that they wouldn't charge me for paper billing, and I have to have it done by tomorrow, so clearly I waited until now. Anyhoo, So I sign on put in my account number...when it asks some security questions...the first question "where did george rodabaugh (my dad) live or own land?" How the crap am I supposed to know that? the man is dead, and before that I couldn't tell you the last time I talked to him, or knew his whereabouts. I called my sister and we tried the process of elimination...and got it WRONG...I still don't know the answer, it told me I was wrong and blocked me from my own accounts. Long story short I got it taken care of, but seriously, if these creepers are going to use that kind of info, maybe they should make sure they know whats going on. It really creeped me out to think about what all the powers that be must know about me. Do they know I can't sleep with my hair in a ponytail? OR that I have a freckle under my big toe on my right foot?

On top of everything I have a cold. Apparently working for a dr. you can expect to be sick the first month or so...bring it.

the never ending illness

2009-06-24T20:57:00.002-05:00

Ok, so many of you (ok the 3 of you that read this...) have asked why I was sick all the time last week. Especially with the references to tylenol with codeine. And for I while I was being secretive about it because I was embarrassed... but I'm just going to put it out there now. This is going to be long and boring if you don't like stories about random medical drama as much as I do...

OK I guess it all started 2 weeks ago tomorrow (thursday). I hadn't started working yet and I had to go to the main hospital to get a shot, tb test and do some paper work before I started working the next monday. No big deal, I wound up needing a tetanus shot, which is one that does normally hurt, but I'm a big girl, I wasn't worried. I got my shot, and life was good.

2 days later (saturday) I woke up not feeling good, I was achy, I felt flu-ish, but didn't think I had a fever or anything. I knew tetanus caused soreness at the injection site, but wasn't really ready for the whole body aches, but I googled side effects for the Tdap (the shot I got) and flu like symptoms was one, so I wasn't too worried, I was sure that was what it was from.

side note funny story is that I turn into a big baby when I don't feel good, and so I decided I didn't feel good enough to leave my house to get food and called my mom to see if she could bring me food...I told her I hadn't eaten since the day before, lunch time the day before at that...but her answer was that she was tired...and if she could bring me something to eat the next day (sunday). I was like "I mean I haven't eaten since yesterday, but cool whatever" slightly sarcastic right? and her answer was "ok just call me tomorrow"...so now I don't feel good, I'm hungry, and I'm annoyed with my mother.

So now it's sunday, I tried to trick myself into thinking I was feeling better because I knew regardless my first day of work was the next day (monday) but really I still didn't feel good, and I was starting to doubt my googled diagnosis...but really what else could it be was my thought at that point. After pleading with my mother to bring me that meal she had promised me...I finally ate, and noticed that my mouth hurt...my gums hurt, i felt like i was developing a cold sore, but figured it was all coincidence...besides I HAD to feel better, I was starting my dream job in less than 24 hours.

So now it's Monday morning, I am up and excitedly getting ready for work...in the back of my mind knowing I really didn't feel good. And now was also developing a large cold sore IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TONGUE!!! I didn't even know that was possible. Brushing my teeth was excruciating, and eating was no longer an option. I went to work, luckily being my first day I did a lot of sitting and observing, so it wasn't too obvious that I didn't feel good, even though the big baby in me did have to whine once and a while. Throughout the day I also started to notice my lymph nodes were really swollen...so now I was pretty positive that it had nothing to do with the shots, and possibly more to do with the all out war going on in my mouth with now ANOTHER coldsore developing (thats 3 if you lost count) but really had no clue that something was really making me sick.

I made it through the day, it wasn't too bad, but as soon as I got in my car and was going home I felt like death was upon me. I had previously been hungry, and was now trying to think of something I could eat with this new found mouth pain...and I was more and more not feeling like eating at all (but I hadn't eaten all day, other than a few chicken nuggets from chick fil a that I forced myself to eat). So I resolved I was buying a thermometer, you see I never owned one before, I have never had much use for one. So I get my thermometer...and some tylenol (I don't really know why, maybe it was intuition). It's a cool thermometer, normal range it turns green, moderate yellow, and if it's a bad fever it turns red. So I pop it out and try it. 8 seconds later it turned red and I looked it said 101.9. I rarely get fevers and I hadn't really felt "feverish" so I was shocked. I started thinking, "do you have to calibrate a digital thermometer?" so I call my friend Jenn, who loves thermometers...and no, you don't I really had a fever. So I get some chicken noodle soup and to home I went. I took my tylenol and was asleep by 7.

I started to worry, I HAD to be better by the next day, I was not calling in on the 2nd day, plus the office manager had gone out of her way to get a training switched so I could take it that day instead of waiting until mid july when they had scheduled me. Luckily I woke up once and a while and with tylenol the fever was dropping.

Tuesday morning I woke up and my temp was 99.1 so I popped more tylenol and went off to the training, just happy to not have a fever anymore. Eating was still quite a task though, I was miserable, I was so hungry because I hadn't really had a full meal for almost 4 days at this point (even when I ate I never could eat more than a few bites). I spent the day in meetings but obviously my mind wandered about my random illness. It doesn't help that I watch a lot of discovery health shows like "mystery diagnosis" where people have random symptoms then wind up having some crazy unheard of disease.

As my mind wandered I realized something...technically a cold sore is "herpes" not the same as the STD, but it's a virus. Surely a virus could cause all the symptoms I had. So at the first break I got I googled it on my phone. And that had to be it, I had to have herpes. I was disgusted, how on earth did I get that, I don't even like sharing drinks with people. But in my research since I have learned that most people have herpes simplex 1 (oral herpes) it just happens. So I am still miserable, but at least I really feel like I knew what was wrong. Unfortunately I still do not have insurance at this point, so I was just going to have to suck it up for 2 weeks while it healed.

I kept track of my temp. it hovered in the 99 range...but there wasn't much I could do. So Wednesday came, I was STILL starving, and resorted to smoothies, but it was still painful. Come wednesday night. I came home from work, when the crap feeling came back...I started vomiting...and considering my last real meal was the friday before, I started worrying I was dehydrated. I checked the trusty old temp...102.3. I am not sure I ever had a fever that high (my mom was never a big believer in having practical medical supplies at home). And I start crying because I didn't know what to do, it was 10 pm, I couldn't keep tylenol down, I still did not see calling into work as an option...I was running out of choices. So I called trusty mom and demand she come get me and take me to a urgent care place. She tried to resist, but when I cry she can't tell me no (I do not cry that much around her, so I'm not using it...at that point it was legit tears).

So she got to me around 11:30 (she lives 45 minutes away...and is the slowest driver ever). I had already found a place that was open 24 hours...so i told her where to go. Luckily for me my cold sores were the biggest emergency at this place so I was seen right away. It's a little weird for me to go to the dr. especially now that I work for one, and so when I went in and the guy (I'm not sure if he was a MA or LVN or RN) started answering questions, I told him my temp, that I knew what was wrong, and that I needed some antiviral so I could go home got to bed and be ready for work the next morning. I now look back and realize I was slightly ridiculous...I think my brain was starting to fry.

The dr came in, looked in my mouth and told me I was right with my diagnosis (DUH!...I googled it). he asked me about the pain and said he was going to give me pain killers and asked if I had ever had vicodin...I haven't but I'm still thinking I'm working the next day, so I talked him down to tylenol with codeine (I have never had a pain killer at all in my life, so I had no idea how I would react). He broke the news to me that I was not going to work the next day...I fought it for a little while, but kinda realized that was probably a good idea...besides at work I wasn't self sufficient yet, so it wasn't like they were "really" losing a person, if that makes sense...but I still did not want to call in my first week of work. So I had my Rx for the tylenol, a mouthwash with lidocane, and an antiviral med and went home.

After they gave me a dose of the tylenol I was out...I barely remember waking up to call into work. I slept all day Thursday.

Friday I had another orientation, luckily the pain had subsided enough to go, I still couldn't eat, but at least at that point I knew it was getting better. I decided since I couldn't drive when I took the tylenol it would be best to spend the weekend at my moms, mostly so she could bring me food, I'm not going to lie...I was STILL starving (people, it had been a week at this point since I took more than 3 bites of something). And so she could take care of Libby, because I felt bad that I didn't even want to drag myself out of bed to walk her.

So thats pretty much it, I am completely better now, as of monday I have been eating solid food, I actually get to enjoy my new job...and my mouth is back to being cold sore free...thank god! I still don't know what brought on this little outbreak. I have had a cold sore before but never more than one, and I've never actually gotten sick from them. People keep saying stress, but for once in my life I'm REALLY not stressed, I love my job, things are falling into place...so who knows, but i'm glad I'm over it. But it is driving me a little crazy that I don't know what caused it, so I'm scared it could come back.

Gross.

On the Ride

2009-05-30T17:41:00.003-05:00

"Life has moments hard to describe
Feeling great and feeling alive
Never coming down from this
Mountain we're on

Always knowing we're gonna be fine
Feeling great and feeling alive
Never coming down from this
Mountain were on
The view is so clear
And it's crazy up here
Life is amazing with you on the ride"
On the ride- Aly and AJ

My facebook status says that I am studying...so clearly I am blogging.

Life has been so crazy lately. Right now the biggest thing is that I got my dream job. I am working for Texas Children's Pediatric Associates in Cinco Ranch. Basically, it's a pediatricians office associated with Texas Children' Hospital. But getting this job was no small feat. I think it was the longest interview process I have ever been through. OK, maybe it wasn't that long, but it feels like it took For-ev-er. It was all complicated by a phone call about 2 week ago. I got a call that I did not get the job. I was really disappointed but I got an offer to interview at the Katy office...so I went and did that interview. A week later they wanted me to meet with that dr. little did I know going into that meeting that I had already gotten the job, they just wanted us to meet before I started...it was funny because the dr. kept referring to "when you start" and what "we would do" and when I talked I was very cautious to say "if I get this job" but apparently I had missed the call offering me the job before I went int that morning for the meeting.

Anyhoo, I left there feeling good, but the Katy office never felt the same as the Cinco Ranch office. I thought there was nothing I could do about it, I was just going to have to get used to the Katy office, because as far as I was concerned Cinco Ranch was no longer an option. I liked the Katy office, it was just so much bigger (there are 5 dr's versus 3 in Cinco Ranch) and the Katy office is actually in a hospital while Cinco is free standing. So Wednesday afternoon, I was home relaxing, I had just finished my externship that morning, and since I didn't have a job I was taking advantage of the downtime. Around 3 I got the call, it was from the HR dept in Texas Childrens. So I answered and the girl started talking about offering me both positions. I was shocked and confused since like I said I thought Cinco ranch was no longer an option. She had gone into the spiel about benefits and
I was still stuck in my head on the fact that she said "both offices wanted to hire me" so finally I found a break in the conversation to ask about it. I asked "I'm sorry I'm just really confused right now, I thought I didn't get the cinco ranch job?" thats when she told me that they had offered the job to someone else but it didn't work out so they wanted me.

My pride was a little hurt by being the second choice...I was even tempted to take the Katy office for that reason but I thought about it more. The reason I was given about the Cinco office was that it was a new office and since I was new it would be a little harder to train me. So the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was good that I was the second choice, because, it makes no logical sense for them to hire me. I'm sure there were others that had more experience than me, thats not hard seeing as I have no experience. But they like me enough that they don't care and they are willing to take that chance on me. So, I took the Cinco Ranch position. I am really excited. Right now I am waiting for my criminal background check to clear before I can start working. So I'm enjoying a little vacay before my life is about to get crazy.

And thats pretty much where I am now, just waiting. I'm so happy about where my life is going right now. I am finally starting a career I love. I have my first 401k, I worked really hard and it's paying off that I got my dream job right out of school. I'm a little nervous that things are going to well. Part of me (the pessimistic part that is) is a little worried that if I am getting my dream job now, then where do I go from here. But I still want to go back to school to get my RN, so I feel like that leaves plenty of room for growth.

I really need to be studying for my certification exam. It's in the end of July, but I have already been out of school for a month and it's a little scary how much I have already forgotten. Especially now that I am in pediatrics, it's really important that I remember the normal ranges for adults...And the more specifics that I don't deal with everyday...the parts of the body...front office stuff...insurance. So I am trying to study now and just keep it all in my head instead of panicking and having to cram before the exam.

what a difference a little time makes

2009-05-15T21:22:00.002-05:00

it has only been a little more than 2 weeks since I last wrote, but so much has changed.

The biggest thing being that I am no longer at the pediatric office. After much thought and consideration, the stress and anxiety it was giving me wasn't worth it. Plus I wasn't learning, I was sitting around stuffing envelopes and filling time because they wouldn't take the time to help me do things and it was easier to do it themselves (I feel like this is something I need to remember if I am ever a mom).

Now I am finishing the last 60 hours of my internship at a internal medicine doctor. It is like night and day. For one thing the demographic I tend to now is the geriatric crowd. I always said that I couldn't do it, and I do still think it would be hard, but at the same time yesterday I had a pt. (patient) that who made me laugh so hard. She was 80-something, and I was watching as someone else was taking her vitals. She kept looking at the girl and at me making faces. Then she proceeded to read a poster on the wall about hyperthyroidism and proceeded to tell us exactly why that sucks. Her and her husband were hilarious, and I'm not going to lie, made me a little jealous that my own parents or grandparents for that matter were nothing like that. I started thinking how fun it would be to have a mom like that...but that is a whole other blog I suppose. All of that to say I really like the office I'm at now. No, I don't think I want to stay here long term...as far as actual employees the dr. doesn't pay very well and does not offer benefits...but as far as experience this has been a much better one.

And if I took a job there I wouldn't be able to take a job with Texas Children's Hospital!!! OK, so I haven't been offered the job yet, but this last wednesday I had a second interview with them. I am REALLY excited and REALLY hope this works out. Just being in the office for the interviews, it just felt right, it's almost like this job was created for me, which is a little funny because it is a new position.

Which leads me to my other point of this blog. My life is so good right now. It's so crazy how drastically things have changed, I've learned to be at peace with myself, I'm doing something that I really love. I don't think even 2 weeks ago I could have said that. I think depression is something I will always struggle with...but I also think that I have finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel and I am ready to put this fight behind me. I hope this is not all circumstantial...I really don't think it is, but there is always that little bit of doubt that tries to sneak in and make me unsure of myself.

Sooo...with that said I think I am going to make another effort to find a church. This has been really hard for me...and even as I just typed that I am fighting the urge to delete it...because now that I have said it out loud (ok not outloud, but you know what I mean) I am accountable for it. I don't know why this has been so hard for me, but it has been. wish me luck.

hope I can make it...

2009-04-22T21:04:00.002-05:00

So work day number 2 went alright. I am just frustrated. I guess when I decided to go into health care, I had this perception that you got to help people and feel good about that, and that everyone would act like adults to get whatever needed to be done...done. Well I was wrong. I expected there to be standards and red tape that would make things a little harder...but I think what is more frustrating is that none of that bothers me...it's literally the people I work with, and I have only known them for 2 days now.

I came into this knowing that Dr's are a bit cocky, and don't always work well with others, but I guess the point that bothers me is that they literally think they are too good to talk to the people working for them. Not one of the dr's I work with know who I am, I thought I had accomplished something when I smiled at one and got a half smile back. But when did that become ok...to treat people who are working their butts off for you like crap. I completely respect doctors, it's a hard job, a hard job I couldn't do, I guess I just come from the school of thought that it takes respect to get respect, not that I expect them to cater to me at all...but is it too much to ask to be treated like a human being?

What is worse is the other MA's. All they have on me is a few years experience...and one of them is on externship too, and just started last week...I can understand doing dirty work, it just bothers me when the one who just started last week does it to me, I mean she has to learn too. Today I she was told to go pick up a stool sample...she turned and asked me to go get it...I did it, I know better than to say no and honestly I really don't care about the dirty work, it's more the attitude that goes with it.

Later on today one of the MAs asked me if I knew how to do a vision and hearing test, I told her no...we hadn't really talked too much about that in school, but it's easy to pick up I knew just watching someone do it once would be fine. So she told me to go with the other extern and watch her so I could learn...cool, I like learning...so I left the room to find the girl I was to watch, once I found her she needed to go back in the office to get something, so I went with her...and the MA told her to make sure I watched how to do the tests...seriously, I was right there, she saw me, it's not like I disappeared to avoid it or something...I'm not a 3rd grader, I am in this externship to learn, why would I waste my time and their time goofing off? I understand not everyone takes things seriously, but give me a chance to prove I am trying before you start assuming you know me.

What makes all this worse, is that the MA that picks on me, for those of you who work at starbucks, think Ashley...but worse, has started making me nervous to the point that I mess up more when I'm around her because I am so scared. If she would just let me figure out what I'm supposed to do and correct me without making me feel like I'm the dumbest person ever for getting whatever wrong, she would see that I am smart, I am good at what I do, and I wouldn't make dumb mistakes.

People keep telling me to not take all this personally, that it's just the politics of a dr. office, but it's so hard for me, I take everything personally, especially when things are directed at me. I hate to say it, but I can't wait until we get another student, to take the pressure off me, but I would also like to prove that not everyone is like that...that I can treat someone who is in a position "below" me with dignity and respect remembering that we all make mistakes.

oh what a day...

2009-04-21T18:14:00.002-05:00

So I am not prefacing the story, i know real weird for me.
OK, so as you know I got my extern assignment last week. I started today, the rest of my class started yesterday, but my site needed a day i guess to prepare for the fun that was going to hit them.

So being that I would be working in the med center I decided to take a test drive out there on Sunday, to figure out exactly where I was going figure out parking...etc. Well I found the hospital but I had no idea about parking. I wound up giving up and went home.

Yesterday (Monday) I started thinking that I was going to have to leave REALLY early to be sure about parking, so I called the Dr. to ask for clarification...again. When I talked to her she said a street and some landmark that really made no sense, but I thought maybe once I was there it would, so I made a second test drive...with no more luck and just as confused as ever I go home again. I was starting to have a sinking feeling that something wasn't right...why would the office tell me they were on memorial south...when Memorial doesn't even go to the med center...what brown building...and there is no free parking ANYWHERE near the med center, especially with no permit. I called my mom and decided maybe it would help if she drove me, then I could focus more on looking and not on traffic, and even run in the hospital and ask for direction if needed. So we venture down there a third time, I run in the hospital and hand the guy at the reception desk my paper with my assignment and ask him the best way to get there, he looked a little confused, and told me the suite they gave me was the mail room. So he needed more details to find where I belonged, details I didn't know, I didn't have a DR. name, or apparently an address, it was after 5 so when I tried to call to find out it went to an answering service. He traced the mail room number to an office, but it still wasn't making a lot of sense. I asked him about the mysterious free parking and he said for a fact that does not exist.

So I leave again, growing more and more frustrated that nobody knows where I go including myself. On the way home I was fighting crying...partially because I was hungry and tired and cranky, on top of all this madness. I start thinking I am REALLY uneasy about it all and felt like there was no way this could end well. So I decide I need to talk to the lady who coordinates our externships. But I don't have a phone number for her...that isn't her office. So I text another teacher, and she sends me her number...which is disconnected. I'm running out of options, so I get home and after some thought remember I am myspace friends with my teacher, so as a last resort I wrote on her wall to call me, but thinking she wouldn't check that. Well luckily she did, and she called me. I told her all that had happened, and she tells me to meet her in the morning at school because that really didn't seem right and she didn't want me to go all over town since it was her fault I had the mailing address.

So this morning I get there and let her call the dr. office (at this point I was already late, and I didn't want to be the one to tell them I was late already on the first day) Well, imagine both of our surprises when we find out I had been placed in HUMBLE...which is an hour from where I live, if not more. So she politely tells them that is not going to work and that I would not be the extern for them.

So at 8am I am sitting in her office, already a day behind on my externship realizing that it might be another day or 2 before I could be placed. BUT the good thing is that I was able to in a way pick where I would wind up...so clearly I said Katy, and in pediatrics. It's funny though because now I was a little disappointed because in fixing the disappointment from not getting peds to begin with I convinced myself that cardiology was a better specialty. Oh well.

So I had my first day at Katy Pediatrics. I LOVE LOVE LOVE pediatrics. One of the first patients I helped was a little girl with down syndrome, while the mom and the other MA were talking about symptoms and stuff I bent down and started playing with the little girl...when we were walking out of the room the little girl reached out for me, her mom said that was really unusual and that she must have liked me. Then I had to observe blood being drawn...while the MA was putting the tourniquite on to find a vein, the little boy (maybe 4yr old) started crying...next thing I knew I was tearing up while she started to draw the blood, luckily I was able to hide it. It was really funny because after a few people they let me start getting the patients on my own and doing vitals. I'm not going to lie, I felt so important, the moms would tell me the symptoms like I was going to turn and tell them what was wrong. The kids were on their best behavior...they thought I was cool.

However, I'm not sure how I feel about the office, I don't know if it's just that office or the nature of the job, but nobody seems that friendly, I seem to be the most outgoing, and I'm really not that outgoing...the other 2 MAs one seems nice and one does not. The one that does not seem nice would get mad at me for weird things, like she asked me to send a fax, so I did it, but the line was busy, so I kept trying, and she came out and was mad that it was taking me too long, but I can't control if the recieving party is busy. But I am a little relieved, because they seem to have plenty of MAs so I can't imagine that there is a possibility of being hired, and so that takes some pressure off, obviously I still want to do well because they will be a reference, but if today was any indicator, even if I am offered a position I do not think I'll take it.

Anyhoo, it's funny how I was all worked up last week and now I got exactly what I wanted to begin with...and it feels REALLY good to be doing something I really enjoy.

reflectation...

2009-04-19T23:51:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting at home thinking. Libby is asleep next to me, I must have worn her out because she is not even distracted by the tapping on the keys on my keyboard.

Back to thinking...I know lots of things make me contemplate where my life is going...but I think this week is going to be a big one. I start my externship at St. Lukes on tuesday (don't worry, I got a crash course in EKG's last week, so hopefully I won't be clueless). My birthday is friday (no I am not turning 27, that is a dirty rumor, I am actually turning 26...again)...graduate may 1st...I'm sure the list goes much longer than that.

I am so excited at the prospects of starting my externship. It's driving me crazy that the rest of my class is starting tomorrow, but I don't start until tuesday. Normally I would be excited about a impromptu day off, but I am so curious about what all of this is going to be like that the anticipation in killing me. Especially now that I am in a different field than I intended. When I assumed I was going to be in pediatrics, I have been to several pediatrician appts. It's not even that different than a general appt for an adult, so I feel like I know what to expect. But the closest experience with a cardiologist I've ever had was when I was a nanny and Bailey had to see one before her heart surgery, but even then, I never went to the dr. with them, I just heard about it.

Today I did a test run to the hospital I'm going to be at, to see timing and have an idea where I am going...I'm even more nervous because I am working in the medical center and those of you familiar with Houston, that is one crazy area. There is nowhere to park without paying (which I really hope St. Lukes pays for my parking because if not, it's going to cost me $240 a month). I think I have a general idea where I'm supposed to go, but I'm still not sure, I decided that I am going to leave an hour earlier than I would normally so I can be sure to have that all worked out without risking being late. I'd much rather sit around there and be bored than to be stressing out in my car, and God forbid have to call to say I'm going to be late on my first day.

ok, now I'm excited...

2009-04-16T14:59:00.003-05:00

I knew from the time I wrote my last blog that I was going to regret it because I would wind up being fine with the new plan. Well things have turned out quite well...

Ok, so when I wrote the day before, I only "unofficially" knew about my extern assignment. I had been told since I hadn't gotten either of my preferences to avoid a huge disappointment when I didn't get what I wanted, which is good, because I would have been quite shocked.

So yesterday I got my folder with my actual assignment I was kinda bittersweet, because I was still a little sad that I wasn't going to be in pediatrics, but I was curious about where I was ending up, especially because I knew it was in the med center (she gave me the zip code so I could make sure it wouldn't be too far).

When I opened my folder it said "St. Lukes Episcopal Hospital" then "Cardiology" I was stuck on the St. Lukes part...I was placed at a hospital. We have been told since day 1 that we would not be placed in hospitals, the contracts were few and far between, MA jobs in hospital settings are rare...even though for the MA they are pretty much the best job you can get. They have better benefits, better hours, better pay...they will even pay for nursing school...which was always in my plan, but a few years down the line. Granted I do not have a job yet, and this may not turn into one, who knows, but if this does, I will have a hospital job right out of the gate...making nursing school a lot more realistic in my future.

It is just humbling to me that I wanted so much less for myself, and was upset that I hadn't gotten what I wanted. I guess in my mind I was just being realistic, it's virtually unheard of to get a hospital job right out of school. I do still have little pangs of sadness, because I really want to work with children, but I feel more confidant in the plan that is being set in motion now. It's just cool to have a real tangible story of when God has more for you than you can even expect or imagine.

dissapointment

2009-04-14T22:00:00.002-05:00

call me a spoiled brat...but I'm upset...I didn't get what I want.

So as most of you know, this week I am finding out my assignment for externship (read as I am finding out the person I am going to be working for, for free for a month). Anyone who has even heard of me knows that I want to work in pediatrics, that is the only reason I even got this degree, working with kids is what I have wanted to do with my life pretty much from the time I stopped being a kid myself.

Well, although I still don't know my actual site yet, I won't until tomorrow, I did find out the specialty I will be in...cardiology...I'm not even good at cardiology, I can't read an EKG, cardiology was my first "b" in school. I am trying to look on the bright side, cardiology is a very technical field, and she wouldn't have placed me there if she didn't think I was capable, but...it just upsets me that all I have wanted was peds, and in fact when asked when asked what I didn't want to do...I said geriatrics...what part of the population would you say mostly goes to a cardiologist???

Just to explain the process a little, a few weeks ago we were asked to fill out a paper with 3 preferences of field and area of town. I'm a reasonable adult, I was aware I may not get my first choice in either category...but I didn't get anything I even remotely wrote down in either category. for field I said 1) pediatrics 2) family medicine (pretty much a normal dr. office) or 3) OB/GYN for area of town I put katy, memorial or sugarland...but I got a cardiologist near the galleria I think, I'm still not real sure where exactly I'll be. I just know it's towards down town...the OPPOSITE of where I wanted. I'm frustrated because I don't understand why I even filled out any preferences when they were just going to do what they want anyway. I hate traffic...I hate cardiology...and right now I hate my life... maybe I should just stay at starbucks at least I'm good at that :(

a day in the life

2009-04-08T01:53:00.004-05:00

this is how Libby tries to get me to rub her tummy when I am trying to sleep, you can't tell but now that she is in position, she is going to start hitting me with her paws and pushing herself more into my face so I can't ignore her.

it always takes a little motivation of reading my friends blogs to encourage me to update my own. That and my new and improved lack of sleeping pattern.

I have played with the idea of making a video blog for fans of Libby, but it's too good of an idea for me to waste on doing it 2-3 times and then abandoning it. Plus Libby is lame on camera, it's like she knows when I am recording and just sits there. It would be more awesome if I had video editing skills but I don't so don't hold your breath on that one. Right now she is laying down at the foot of my bed, but I'm not falling for it, the minute I lay down to sleep she will start jumping in my face, pulling my hair growling biting and trying to force me to pet her...you can ask my sister (all maybe 3 of you that read this and maybe know her).

I am the happiest girl right now...because...I have 6 days left of school. Can you believe it? I can't...this time next week I'll be finding out where my externship is exactly, finishing my last venopunctures (blood draws), and vital signs. I have found out that I will most likely be in a pediatric office in Katy, and right now the market is looking good as far as getting hired on after, or even having the choice to get another job instead of settling for the sake of getting a job. I can't believe that almost 8 months ago I had basic medical knowledge, but now I am comfortable poking people with needles, drawing blood, explaining procedures. This time in some ways seems slow, it feels like I've been in school forever...but at the same time it has moved so fast that I am slightly shocked that I am qualified to even be a MA. Although this last month of night school is killing me, as far as my class is concerned it was a good decision to switch, I get a long with them much better, it's more laid back, the teacher always tells us they are losers, which makes me sad that I got lumped into that before. I just am not good at regulating my sleeping, now I come home from school somewhere around 11, I eat something, and then by the time I wind down to fall asleep it is 3-4 am. I don't have to be at school until 6pm, but it makes me cranky when I sleep until 10-11am because I wake up feeling like I missed a portion of the day.

I wish I had more funny anecdotes or something, but my life is fairly boring for now...with the exception of Libby.

drama update

2009-03-16T15:24:00.002-05:00

Well, I think it has finally ended, or at least I hope so...I'm sure for them they will keep talking but it's not my problem, I removed myself once and for all. I switched out of the class and now go to school at night.

Before you start saying I am running away from the problem and whatever it is that you might think, hear me out.

So, on thursday (the day after the last drama), I went to school, I didn't speak to them unless spoken to, but I was nice and normal...I wasn't pouting, I wasn't giving dirty looks, I just sat and did my work and didn't really pay too much attention to them. So we got to our last class which is lab. We were told to partner up and to do a full exam (which would take the whole class) so since this would take one person a whole class just to do it, there was no way we could work in groups of 3. Well, there were 6 in my former group of friends, 2 had paired up, the other 2 paired up (the erikas that hate me) and it left me and one other who had remained fairly neutral, so I didn't really think it would be a problem. But she was kinda clinging to the erikas, and so they told her that they couldn't be a group of three and she was like why not, and they were like leigh doesn't have a partner, and she goes "ewww no" so at that point I got up and left, there was no point in me sitting in that class not doing anything and I was really hurt by that.

As I left I got to thinking. This is our last week in the classes we have now, meaning monday our class was going to have 6 people, 3 hate me, one is me, and the other 2 don't hate me. If they were going to be childish like this and refuse to partner with me now, than there were surely going to be more problems later. So I went to the director and switched to night class. Am I happy about that? no, I would much rather have stayed in class during the day, but I just didn't really see there ever being any real resolution to all this.

I must say that as much as I didn't want to switch, I am so relieved since I have...I knew I was stressed out, but seeing the difference in how I feel now and how I felt then, I can't believe how stressed I really was.

drama queen

2009-03-11T17:57:00.002-05:00

I'm probably going to catch crap for this, but at this point i don't care i'm tired of hiding my feelings to protect others.

So for about a month now, there has been trouble at school. This girl who was one of my friends out of nowhere stopped talking to me. At first I blew it off, maybe she was having a bad day, maybe I had annoyed her and she just needed some space from me...so I just went on like normal. The more time went by the more clear it became to me that it wasn't just a bad day or anything like that. She still talked to the others normal, and I started noticing that when I talk there would usually be a smacking sound behind me, or a muttered whatever under her breath. I didn't know what to do, I'm not a fan of confrontation, and I had a feeling even if I did confront it, it would blow up in my face (which it eventually did). After about a week or 2 I said something to someone else. They quickly told me that it couldn't be true and I was being sensitive... I wasn't convinced, and told her to watch the rest of the day. By the end of that day she saw what I ment and said I needed to talk to her. I still had a bad feeling about talking, and so she went to her and asked her what was up. the girls answer was that I don't help them...I am still not sure what to think about that because I have helped them all along, I just draw the line at cheating. I don't think it's fair for me to come home and study and then they just get to copy my answers. So we just dropped it for then.

In the last week or so it's gotten a lot worse, until today, when it all blew, like I had thought it would. I don't feel like going into all the details, it would be hard too understand not knowing the people involved. But basically someone else brought it up said we needed to work it out. Other people kept speaking for her, she claimed she didn't have a problem with me. I told her that she has a funny way of showing it because she had been ignoring me for a month now. She kept saying she didn't have a problem with me, until other people were like yes you do, tell her. Finally it came out (I think someone else wound up saying it though) that I don't help them and that I am over dramatic. I already said my feeling about helping them, but the dramatic thing blew me away...I'm not saying that I am not ever dramatic, but out of the people telling me all this I would say I have the least drama... that they know about at least. So we went back and forth for a little while, but I was getting frustrated because other people in the class kept butting in, and even the others involved in the convo were all siding with the other girl, nobody was agreeing with me at all. I don't so much care about the sides, thats childish, but what bothered me is even when I would make a point, like about how I have helped all of them, I have never said I wouldn't help, not one of them said anything...it made me feel like they were all saying that I really don't help. Then when I would try to defend myself they would all jump on me and say I was wrong...so by that point I knew this wasn't going anywhere.

Finally someone asked if we were friends, the other girl nodded yes, and I nodded no. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to jump up and be friends with someone who dropped me like that. So again everyone is getting frustrated that I was being stubborn, but I can't help it. It didn't help that they had accused me of being dramatic because basically no matter how I respond now is just me being over dramatic. I told them that I hadn't done anything wrong to be treated like I had been, and they all jumped on me saying that wasn't what they said...that went back and forth for a bit. finally I said, why should I drop this like that, she hasn't even apologized? so she threw out a fake "sorry" 1) if it had been sincere I would have accepted that 2) if it was sincere I don't really believe that I would have had to basically tell her to apologize.

Basically thats where it's at. I don't want to be friends, I want to drop the situation, I can be nice...but I'm not going to drop everything to trust her to be my friend again and get dropped the next time I annoy her. I admit that I am being stubborn, and maybe thats not the best way to handle it, but I'm pissed, I didn't do anything to begin with except be a little annoying, but can anyone say they have never been annoying? I was treated like crap, talked about, and ignored by people who were supposed to be my friends...as much as I want to say I don't care, I do, they hurt me. I don't know what else to say, I feel like the best way to drop it is to just seperate myself from them and move on...but I'm afraid that no matter what I do I'll just be seen as a drama queen. UGh, this last month of school can't pass soon enough.

domestic violence

2009-01-31T22:33:00.002-06:00

*Let me preface this with I am not making fun of abusive relationships, in no way shape or form are they funny, I am really making fun of my dog, who is ok with it, I asked her*

So, I think I just realized something. I think I am in an abusive relationship. An abusive relationship with my dog, Libby.

I realized this while lying in bed tonight. Today we went to the dog park and if another dog even considered approaching me, or the girl I was sitting with she would come and snap at them and get between the other dog and me while showing her teeth. It got me thinking, she doesn't like for me to leave her, she nips at me if I don't pay attention to her, she nudges me if she is sitting in arms reach and I am not petting her, if I am sleeping where she wants to be in my bed she kicks me until I move. She pulls my hair sometimes, she has destroyed furniture (and a wall). She gets mad if I pay attention to something that is not her. I never realized how controlling she was.

All the while, she is allowed to let any random person pet her, if I try to trim her nails she gets mad at me, she is a bully at the dog park always barking and I assume talking trash to the other dogs, if another dog is playing ball with their owner she promptly goes and steals the ball (today she did this to a little girl)...but I can't even bring her ball anymore because she get mad and aggresive if another dog even runs in the general direction of her ball. I cannot leave a room without her at my feet, but she can leave me wherever she wants.

As crazy as that dog is, I can't even imagine my life without her.

delinquent Florida blog

2009-01-04T19:05:00.002-06:00

I came back from Miami Thursday...today is sunday...so I guess no time like the present to update.

I had so much fun, it was nice to relax, I love the sun, I love shopping :)

So I flew out on Christmas eve. I had all this ambition to do a day-to-day account for my blog, with pictures, but unfortunate event #1...I forgot the power cord to my computer, so I didn't have much use of my computer. When I flew in Steph picked me up but had to return to work for a few more hours, I watched her though, I think she checked facebook more than "working" but she had a good reason, her job is a recruiter of sorts, and really, who are you going to recruit on Christmas eve? So then we went to her apt and I took a power nap while she went to the store (I had woken up at 4 am my time to make it to the airport, then I lost an hour in Florida so I was really tired) We went to the mall and ate at Cheesecake factory.

Christmas day we slept in, but we got to go to the beach, it was a tad cold, but I didn't care, I had purposed that I would come home tan. Unfortunatly by 2 the beach was overcast making is slightly miserable. I don't honestly remember what we did after that, oh yeah Steph made Christmas dinner which was yummy meatloaf (I don't like ham, she didn't really like turkey nor were we going to get a whole one for the 2 of us) and so we ate dinner and watched a movie (I think that is the night we watched knocked up).

I'll spare you details of the next day...it was a semi lame shopping trip. That is one of the few areas if life where sister and I differ greatly, I really don't care much about sales, I hate crowds...so those rush sale days don't really make me happy. The one redeeming fact was the night before I had looked up (ok stalked) to see if any celebs lived in the area, and don't worry, Candace Cameron (DJ from full house) lived mere blocks from the mall I was at, unfortunatly she was not shopping that day.

Saturday we went kayacking. That was fun, because for one thing I got to be in my beloved sunshine. While we were kayacking we somehow wound up in a colony of jellyfish. Stephanie was sitting in front of me and everytime she would row I was a little scared that she would fling one up on me (she had been splashing me all morning). I also threatened her that if she got stung I didn't have to pee so I would be unable to help her. (background story...sister ALWAYS has to pee, anytime we go anywhere we have to stop multiple times for her to go...I on the other hand rarely go in public. Saturday afternoon we went to the casino! That was probably my favorite part. I've never been to one, it was fun. The best part was when I one a grand total of $4.04...on the nickle slots...although as Jill so lovingly pointed out, I spent $5...so really I spent 96 cents.

Sunday was more shopping, a little less stressful though. It was also the day I saw Molly Sims while getting a mani pedi. I didn't know who she was though, I only figured it out after someone told me...then don't worry I was reading PEOPLE on the flight home and she was in it.

Stephanie had to return to work on monday so I just beached it up. same thing on tuesday.

Wednesday I had a nervoud breakdown. Stephanie had found a cord for my computer (thats the cool thing about working for Dell, the random computer crap laying around). So my computer had started working again. Anyhoo, so I went to turn on my zune (mp3 player) to check to see if I needed to charge it when it froze. I tried everything I know to do...So I was like, oh I'll look up the troubleshooting website. Well first thing when I opened my browser was a story on how all the zunes like mine were freezing, and it was some sort of hardware glitch...so I vowed to get a ipod when steph came home from work. I CAN'T go without the music, and I was flying home the next day, so it was going to be necessary. So I did just that, I now have a pink ipod nano. So we went home and I was all ready to hook it up to my computer and start downloading...when I went to turn on my computer...it wouldn't start. after trying different things for nearly an hour, I called tech support...at this point I was in tears, I was so frustrated with everything...and I hate calling tech support they always treat you stupid ("ok, can you turn the computer on for me" NO I CAN'T that is the problem!)...so after about an hour of that they said my mother board was going to have to be replaced...except that they would have to send me a box, then I would have to send my computer back in...except oh wait, I have a project/paper due this friday, so I wouldn't be able to make a whole week without my computer...So after a lot more crying and stressing out, I fell asleep and that is the end of my florida story...I flew home the next morning :)

it's MY voice!

2008-12-19T19:34:00.003-06:00

I hate stupid people. I know hate is a strong word...but I mean it. People just get all crazy and rude around the holidays. I'm sorry but just because it's Christmas, my life does not revolve around you.

Today I worked, it was one of the harder days of my starbucks tenure. One of the most frustrating moments of my time there came today.

I was on the front register. A older woman walked up and said she was looking for a specific gift card...Ok, so I looked through the cards we had out and didn't see what she was describing...I pulled open a drawer where we mostly keep the non seasonal cards, but just to be sure I was checking that a box of holiday cards didn't get put in there by mistake...As I would look in a box I would place it on the counter so I would know I checked it...crazy lady would open each box and look again, because clearly I don't know what a light blue card with a white snowflake looks like. So I tolds her we didn't have any and asked if another card would be ok...she said "no, couldn't you call and see if another starbucks has it" I was fairly certain this card did not exist at all, I mean I do spend a lot of my days scanning gift cards and have become fairly familiar with the ones starbucks sells...so keeping my most polite face on I went to the back to retrieve the phone list to start calling around the stores.

I called a few stores and all said they either did not have any cards at all, or they had the same ones we did... so side note the cordless phone I was using was not the most reliable so around the 4th store a man answered the phone but couldn't hear me, so he hung up on me...when that happened, I said something out loud "oh he hung up on me" I knew what had happened so I wasn't mad, but stupid crazy lady had to put in her two cents "he probably thought you were just a kid prank calling" REALLY!? I am bending over backwards calling all of the starbucks in Houston to find you a stupid card that doesn't exist and you are now picking on my voice!? So I told her I would be a few minutes as I continued calling stores in the back, mostly because I needed to compose myself before I yelled at her.

I called one more store and the manager of that store assured me that no such card exists...so with the new confidance that I was not crazy I went back out to tell her that I can't find anyone with it. So I tell her and she winds up getting one of the cards we have and put $5 on it. REALLY! All of that and she put 5 freaking dollars on the card!??!?!?!

Later on another woman came in and also wanted a specific gift card...at least that one existed...but still...it's a gift card people. A majority of the time they are thrown away after they are used anyways.

The thing that pushed me over the edge was the stab at my voice. I'm SOSOSO tired of people commenting on my voice. I understand it is a little unusual for a 26 year old to have the voice of a 6 year old. Trust me if I could change it I would...I mean it's one thing when I get told I don't look my age all the time, I take responsibilty in that, I mean, I know if I wore make up more often I would look more like my real age...but my voice isn't that easy to change and I'm really weirdly sensitive about it. I really don't care when people make comments that I have a little voice, I'm fully aware that I pretty much talk exactly like I did when I was 6...minus the lisp. It's when it gets said with a negative connotation that my feelings are hurt. I'm realistic, I can understand that it probably is a little grating and annoying...but I can't do anything about it. I could try to talk deeper, but that is fake and unnatural sounding.

Maybe I should take up smoking...

so much for chillaxin

2008-12-15T20:16:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I fully intended on having a lazy day. With finals done (granted the way my school is I have finals once a month), sister on her way back to Florida, one last week of work and school before I too would be off to Florida I decided to use the day to relax and pamper myself, I was going to get a facial, mani pedi...which I don't do often. So I woke up, and was fairly anxious to get the pamper party started. I followed my general morning routine...nothing too glamorous, just brushing my hair and teeth with their respective brushes, dress in my usual "I don't have to wear my work or school uniform" uniform of jeans and a t-shirt...and went to put my contacts in...right eye first, just as I have done everyday since I started wearing contacts in 9th grade. Now it was the left eyes turn, I gave the contact the once over just to check for lint or anything before placing it in my eye...when I saw it...a tear on the edge. I panicked...you see this was my last pair of disposable contacts. I have been meaning to go to the eye doctor ever since I started getting insurance...but there is always something seemingly more important. I froze in my bathroom, one contact in my eye, the other in my hand trying to decide what to do. I washed the left one down the drain, because what can you do with a torn contact? If you are not aware, I do have glasses, the same glasses that I have had the last 7 years...the same Kate Spade glasses that I swore up and down to my grandad that if I had them I would wear glasses more often...the same glasses I only wear at night and hate wearing in public because I lose my peripherral vision (I am literally legally blind, so without glasses or contacts I can't see anything thus when I wear glasses I can't see anything around them).

So, I pull the right contact out too and threw it away out of frustration and put my glasses back on. I leave the house determined to find a optometrist that takes my insurance that is open on a Sunday. I know it would have been easier and smarter to do some internet research first, but I was frustrated.

Come to find out that my same eye doctor from when I was younger was in fact open and around the corner from my apartment. So a few hours later, new contacts in my eye and new glasses ordered I was ready for pampering...until I realized it was 3 and I was exhausted from the ordeal...plus I felt guilty that Libby had been in her crate all week and I had planned to take her to the dog park...so I guess pampering will have to wait until Florida.

change.?

2008-11-30T16:50:00.002-06:00

Maybe I'm melencholy from watching One Tree Hill all day...maybe all of the dialogues got to me and I felt like having a high school soap opera moment, Maybe it's the end of the year holiday season and new years impending that causes reflecting. Maybe it's the procrastinating studying for the pharmacology test I have tomorrow, maybe it's the cold medicine...

I've been thinking about the last year. How hard it's been, how I feel like I am always striving to change things. Isn't that what everyone spends their life doing? I feel like there is some conundrum, some how things are always changing so much so fast...but meanwhile...not at all. I feel like a broken record, like all I ever do is wait to move onto the "next step", but then again once I reach that proverbial "next step"...I'm still not happy...but I will be when I get to the "next step".

I've been thinking about how I keep changing circumstances, I mean if there is one thing I'm not afraid of and the "c" word is not it...think about it, in the last 5 years I have lived in San Marcos, Ft. Worth, and Houston. I've quit school and gone back to school, quit again and changed my career path, I have been a nanny for 2 different families, a barista, camp counselor, camp nurse asst. I've hung out with people constantly, I have spent nights at home by myself. I've changed what I want to be when I grow up...but has any of that really changed me?

I still feel like the same person. The same person who loves the color pink, hates peas, likes to just sit outside and feel the sun on my skin, gets excited when I see mail with a hand written address because that means it's not a bill, who hates running late, who loves the squeeze when you let go of someones hand. I mean surely I am not the same but I can't really think of anything that different other than the circumstantial.

I'm still the same person grasping at happiness. A few years ago I took a test, it was a personality test. The person giving the test said that one of the main drawback of my personality type is "that I would have the tendacy to let life pass me by". Those words have haunted me from that day. I wanted to prove her wrong. Maybe that is why I change so frequently...in an effort to change myself...but so far it's all been in vain. Which leads me back to my point now of whether it is really possible to change who I am.

Some of you know this and some don't but I've decided it's not worth hiding anymore...I have a therapist (she's pretty awesome too)...I have for a while now...probably not a shock to most. Anyhoo, we go back and forth on this subject a lot. She says a person can change...but they have to want to change. I can't say I want to change but stay in the same patterns . I just can't figure it out though...

As I'm writing this, and really what prompted this I am thinking about what has happened in the last year, the good, the bad, the really hard...and how I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into the exact same pattern again. I mean I would like to say that I am different, that I would make different choices....but am I, would I? Thats what is so confusing to me about this whole thing.

I guess you can't go your whole life fearing that you are going to repeat history. Thats why we have history isn't it? So we can learn from our mistakes and as lindsey likes to say "...and move on". I think thats where I'm stuck...the and move on part...I haven't. I don't know how.

and thats the scary part.

cheaters never win

2008-11-25T18:27:00.002-06:00

So apparently I've become more assertive than I realized in my old age. I got into at school...again.

I am so mad though. You see what happened was that we had a test yesterday. A test that I got an 80 on...it was really hard though, so that 80 hard to get. Well a pretty big chunk of the class wasn't there for whatever reason. So anyhoo, we got to look at our tests to see what we got after we took them, but we were supposed to turn them back in because of the chunk of the class that hadn't taken the test yet. So this morning in class imagine the surprise of me and the girl sitting next to me (who had taken the test yesterday) that the girls sitting across from us were looking at that very test (they were not there yesterday).

So the other girl said she was going to tell that they had it because it just isn't fair that we struggled to barely get good grades and they don't even show up and they get a's. So I supported her in that because it's true. So during our break she told the teacher whose test it was....apparently she went immediately to the person the test belonged to and gave him a 0. So when it got to the other girls they started going off and saying how we are supposed to have our classmates backs and that whoever told was a snitch. They kept going on about it, and purposely talking loud...I guess they thought it was me that told...and I didn't really care. Finally Erika (the other girl) told them it wasn't fair that we studied and they were going to cheat. They made up some story about how they "assumed" that they were going to be taking another test and were simply looking at it. So I called them on that and asked if the teacher had given them the very test they were looking at would they have told that they already saw the test...her answer was "would you" I told her yes...I don't need to cheat, I earn my own grades. To that she just said yeah right. So I was pissed that SHE was going to cheat but she was trying to call me a cheater. Then more talking went back and forth and she started mimicking my voice (although I hadn't said anything else) so I got mad and left class because then I was mad that the teacher whose class we were in was letting them attack me like that when I didn't do anything but ask 1 question. On my way out I stopped to tell the teacher whose test it was that I was leaving and she went in the class we were in and confronted them. To which cheater girl made this huge speech about how she would NEVER cheat, regardless of what "we" (basically me) thinks...so I brought up the point again that she herself said that if she had gotten the same test she would not have told she had the answers...but she blew that off in front of the teacher.

It just makes me mad. I am not a good student, I have never been a quick learner, I have managed to make straight a's because I am trying really hard. I am also really tired of people saying that they have kids, or they have jobs. I have a job, I am really fortunate that I get time off when I need it and that they work with my schedule, but I have a job...and other things going on in my life. It is NOT my fault other people have kids, I'm sorry, but it is not fair that because they have kids, or they have a job that they should get answers handed to them.

Just last week I have been (and actually am still) sick, I missed 2 days of school, I went to school one of the days just long enough to take a test so I wouldn't miss it, but I did miss a quiz. I came to school monday, I didn't even ask anyone else what was on that quiz...I took it and got the grade I earned...I could have asked around what questions were on the quiz, but that is cheating to me...I know I can't hold everyone to my own moral standards (that sounds like I think really highly of myself...sorry thats not how I mean it) but the field I'm going into is competitive, so I'm not ok with people coasting by and making the same grade as me. Besides, Medical assistants work in every dr. office, including the one you go to. They are the ones that give shots, take blood, explain your prescriptions to you...so do you really want to worry that you have a MA that barely passed, or cheated their way through school?

UGH...I'm taking nyquil.

probably top 10 worst weeks ever

2008-11-22T20:53:00.002-06:00

So, shelfgate 08...it turned out...I never was intended to get new shelves, I had the right shelves all along. But I didn't find that out until THURSDAY...now if you are keeping track, I was notified monday, told the new shelves were going in tuesday...so I kept libby in her crate literally ALL day (I left for school at 7:30am and kept her in until I came home from work at 8 that night). When I came home and there were not new shelves I said screw it and continued keeping Libby in the bathroom and decided she would now be the maintance mans problem since they didn't come when promised. Thursday, I got a phonecall because I needed to move my car so they could paint, and only then when I asked when/if I was getting new shelves I was told "oh yeah, we were going to call about that, you already have the right shelves"...keep in mind that she almost let me hang up before she even told me that, I had to say hang on I have another question.

Then today. ohhh today. Well lately libby has been pretty well behaved, so I had started leaving her in my bathroom instead of the crate, it seemed to be good, and I was pretty sure she usually slept most of the time while I was gone. Well today I went to work at the usual saturday morning opening time of 4:45am. Libby even surprised me by going into the bathroom on her own, no chasing her under my bed or having to take her for a walk and pick her up before we could even walk in the door so that I could lock her in the bathroom. Well, I came home from work fully intending to turn around and take her to the dog park to reward her for all this now found good behavior...until I walked in the bathroom and noticed a chunk the size of my hand missing from the wall...thats right LIBBY ATE THE WALL!!! I have heard of people with larger dogs having this problem, but I don't really consider Libby a large dog...I mean she is 16 pounds. I partially blame myself, I should have kept her in the crate, but I had no reason to think she might eat the wall. I should take a picture to post, but I really don't want to document this. In all fairness, there is not a actual hole...but she was well on her way to making one and I'm not really into waiting until she does. So, I have to give Libby away. She is at my moms right now while I try to find her a new family.
this sucks.

these shelves better be awesome...

2008-11-17T20:29:00.002-06:00

So I finally finished unpacking. I wound up not having Libby so it seemed like the most logical decision. I mean, I have almost lived here for 4 months now, and I don't really see life slowing down any time soon. Unfortunately most of the "unpacking" just consisted of pulling what I need or want out out of boxes and stocking the rest in my closet until I can figure out what to do with it. If you have ever seen my closet you would know that a majority of my earthly possesions come in the form of clothing. Thankfully sister had done the closet when she was here right after I moved...I'm not sure if it would ever have been done otherwise.

So I was feeling good, I was happy and and had finally moved on to the next step on the list (which includes getting the odds and ends I still need).

Until today...when I had to go meet my mom to pick up Libby. There was a note taped to my door. It said "we are replacing the shelves in the closets Tuesday November 18, please have all shelves cleared and remove anything hanging" ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? Were they WAITING for me to put practically everything I own into that closet. Luckily I hadn't thrown the boxes away yet, so I had no choice but to throw things back into the boxes I had unpacked not 24 hours earlier.

I'm kinda annoyed with the whole situation. These new shelves better be amazing...as in they hang the clothes on themselves. My apartments aren't even 4 months old...I don't understand what caused this sudden and apparently urgent change in shelves.

Besides all that I just finished researching dog day cares, I feel really bad because I JUST got Libby from my mom, and now she is going to have to be in the crate all day tomorrow. Lately I have been keeping Libby in my bathroom so she has room to walk around and play if she wants to...but I can't because if people are going to be in my apartment working, she has to be in the crate, because my bathroom and my closet are attatched (you have to walk through my bathroom to get to my closet). But dog day care is crazy...1)there are NONE anywhere near my apartment 2) they are a bit creepy...I seriously felt like I was researching day care for children. They talked about how important it is to drop your dog and go, fitting in, packing lunch, nap time, pup to trainer ratios, web cams, if your dog gets sick...sadly I would totally do it, but most require a consult to decide if your dog will be ok...and I don't have time to do it tomorrow before school.

hodge podge

2008-11-16T14:53:00.002-06:00

I'm supposed to be cleaning...it lasted about an hour and now I'm over it. Libby is at my Mom's, I got home yesterday but I haven't gone to get her yet, I'm thinking about holding out until tomorrow, in case I get the urge to clean some more...it's not really possible with her around.

In my cleaning spree I am doing laundry. Not so bad, but I washed all my jeans in one load, made sense until I realized I was hungry and couldn't leave to get anything to eat until my jeans were dry.

Tomorrow I start a new "mod" (month of school...basically like a semester, we get all new classes), I'm excited, I can't believe I already am on my 3rd month...6 more to go...crazy! We also get a new teacher, up until now my little class has only had 3 different teachers...now they are throwing a man into the mix...we'll see if he can handle us I guess. I also hear he is a little harder. I am ready for it, I just hope the rest of the class is...up until now they have been babied, so we'll see.

It's finally cold outside, I just turned my ac off today, now I'm anxious to see my electric bill to see it go down.

Oh wow, I'm lame

Ignorance is so last week...

2008-11-10T19:50:00.002-06:00

So, I got in a fight at school today (not physical)...I know...very unlike me. Heres what happened.

In one of my classes the topic of the election came up. I generally keep my mouth shut when it comes to controversal topics, but today I had enough. The people in my class just kept making invalid or ignorant comments...There are only 8 people in this specific class and I am the only white person. One of the comments for example was "gas prices are already going down since obama has won" last time I checked Bush was still president, and so Obama winning has nothing to do with gas prices...besides they have been going down for the last 3-4 weeks...also having nothing to do with the election. Someone also said Obama wasn't born in America, making it amazing he overcame to be president...Umm...He was born in Hawaii...a US state, and isn't it a law that to be president you have to be born here? Were these people sleeping in 4th grade social studies?

The thing that sent me over the edge was... comments that McCain is going to die soon...I have hated these comments from the beginning...especially because they are often coupled with thoughts that Obama is going to be assasinated...really people?! Anyhoo, This girl in my class made a statement that white people are out to get Obama...it made me so mad that she could make such a gross generalization...and especially because I have grown up in a world where if I ever considered making a generalization about another race that I would be racist. So when that happened I turned around and shot her a dirty look, but didn't say anything. After that she would only say "the other race" is not happy...it doesn't make it any better to just not say white people when we all know thats what you mean...besides black and white are not the only races. Meanwhile the entire class is agreeing including my teacher who added that if McCain died we would be stuck with Palin who is stupid. I remained silent throughout the rest of the class.
We all have the same classes, so when it was time to go on to the next class I just ignored everyone...we all know I am a pro about bottling my emotions. In our next class we are grouped with another class, so when we got there and the same girl started talking to me like nothing was wrong I looked at her and said "are you sure you want to talk to me because I'm white?" She got mad, and asked what I was talking about...so I told her exactly...then she got mad because I said it in front of other people. It's not my fault she asked me...and I was mad I wasn't thinking rationally.
On a side note, I was also hurt because I am so nice to this girl...I take her to pick up her son then I take them home everyday, which I think is part of the reason I was so hurt by her saying all that about white people... Anyhoo, so we go through the first half of class, in this class we have 2 teachers...the one who was with us in the last class and another one. We we studying for a test we were about to have, when the teacher that was not involved came and asked if I felt ok...I said I was fine...and she moved on...I think I scared her because she was implying that I was physically sick but when I answered her she realized I was angry. Then the teacher that was involved came over to me and told me not to be mad...that she had already talked to the other girl and told her to apologize...with that I started to cry...it's what I do when I get angry.
Well, the girl saw me crying and so she came over and pulled me out so we could talk. I told why I was so angry, that I had done nothing to deserve such a generalization. She apologized she didn't understand it being a big deal. My teacher kept saying it was because they felt so comfortable with me that they don't notice that I am sitting there...which I think is bs...because whether or not I was sitting there I don't believe it is fair to say all of any race is one way or another.
I am still pretty mad.

mmmm cheese...

2008-10-27T19:02:00.003-05:00

So if you are reading this I assume you know me to some degree. If not...well...I have a confession...perhaps even a problem...I LOVE cheese. I know what you are thinking, thats not really a problem, but it is, I also recently found out I have slightly high cholesterol, while it's not a problem now, it could be if I keep eating ginormous amounts of cheese I love so much.

Anyhoo, thats not even my point. So I love cheese, the only thing I love more than cheese is melted cheese. So tonight I was/am sitting at home. I was thinking about what I want for dinner, and given my amazing cooking skills my choices were spaghettios or turkey sandwhich. As I was thinking I started fantisizing about an amazing sandwich. One with turkey and melted cheese...so my mind was made up. I went to my kitchen and started making my sandwich. I placed the cheese on turkey and mayo and stuck it in the microwave. It was perfect, everything I had hoped and dreamed. I sat and ate as I watched "little people big world"...until this perfect moment was ruined by 1 bite. I bit down and was stopped by paper...I knew immediatly what happened. My cheese of choice is the deli kind where each slice is seperated by wax paper...I had missed a peice and it was now melted into the cheese of my perfect sandwich. I was crushed, I got it out, but it wasn't the same I had taken a lot of the cheese with the paper. I know it's hard to be me. It only reinforces my need to have other people make me food...I can't even make a turkey sandwich right.

Voting is not a trend

2008-10-26T21:01:00.002-05:00

I was at the mall yesterday and I noticed at Gap that the promo item was shirts that say vote. Now before I start I'm not a hugely political person, but I'm becoming more and more opinionated on the whole election process. Unfortunatly most of my opinions are based on frustration.

Being that I am 26 this voting thing should not be new to me, but I am slightly ashamed to admit that it is. However, it's not a matter of laziness, or lack of caring. I realize that this is a huge responsibilty, and I don't take it lightly. I never wanted to vote for the sake of voting, I want to vote because I feel confidant standing behind someone and supporting what they believe and their vision for this country. I am starting to wonder if that ever happens though. Maybe this election is just different I don't know, but as I have said many times I'm not a huge fan of either candidate.

Adding to the frustration and chaos is having it crammed down my throat that I NEED to vote, that if I don't vote I can't complain, and not only that but voting for the only "right" candidate... I just feel like the media is being very one sided about supporting candidates I'm tired of the celebrity spots urging everyone to vote for the same person as them.

Like I said, I do think it is important to vote, but I think it is more important to be informed. I feel like a message I have heard is to just vote...not research who you are voting for and why. Even trying to be informed is hard...lets be honest the media is leaning toward obama...even watching the debates is hard to get real information because so much time was spent arguing over whose ad was bashing who, and whose turn it was to talk that I still don't feel like I understand where either candidate stands on any issue. I was talking to one of my friends who said she was even afraid to admit that she is supporting McCain because it just doesn't seem like the "cool" thing...and like I said I don't think the media is helping that. It just scares me how many other 18 year olds have that same thought process and are voting one way not because they really support the candidate...but because it's what the celebrities are saying to. I'm not saying that either candidate is right or wrong, just that I wish people would make that decision on their own and not because it's what Matt Damon or Oprah said.

2008-10-19T22:36:00.005-05:00

Today I felt inspired...inspired to go grocery shopping...by the new super target by my apt.

If you know me, you know I don't generally grocery shop. Blame it on the fact that I don't know how to cook, blame it on the fact that I generally spend the same amount of money eating out since it's just me...either way, the only time I go to the store is when I need dr. pepper.

Well, there has been a super target under construction near me for a while now, I just noticed yesterday it was open, but I had Libby with me, so I couldn't stop. So today I woke up and decided to go, however, I had forgotten the detail that it was a SUPER target...I was excited to have a regular target. So I go, and even when I get there, I was on the phone, and was distracted so I still hadn't remembered it was a SUPER target. Until I walked in and was in the food section, all of the sudden I forgot why I was even at target and was grocery shopping. I decided that taking my lunch to school was a great idea, and so first we had to go get a lunch box. Then I paced around looking for things that would be easy to take for lunch and before I knew it I hadn't even gotten through the whole store when I decided I needed to go because I was spending too much money. Luckily I remembered why I was there to begin with...I had broken my deoderant this morning and needed a new one.

In other news, I finally exhausted Libby, thats right, the dog that never sleeps is snoring at my feet this very moment. Too bad I don't have 3 hours to take her to the dog park everyday.

Ok, now my opinion on the presidential debate. I had to watch it for a class and write a paper for 5 points added to my final grade, in a new development I have become an overachiever...who knew...anyway, so there I was watching the debate and wanting to gouge my eyeballs out. I don't like either candidate. They were annoying the CRAP out of me, if I hear "Joe the plumber" one more time I am not voting. Besides all that, is it just me or were they acting like school children? I'm not a really political person and honestly this is the first time I have really even watched a presidential debate, so maybe they are always like that...I don't know, but I feel like they need to grow up and quite fighting over whose ad is bashing whose and just tell me what they are going to do as president.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. As I said before we have started drawing blood from eachother. There are 7 other people in my class so we have to draw from eachother...generally I look like I have track marks all the time. Anyhoo, the other day I had gotten my blood drawn, I'm not really squimigh so it doesn't bother me, but apparently I'm a bleeder. I had stood up and walked across the room, when something caught my eye...I glanced down and blood was creeping down my arm. I looked around the room for my teacher, and just said "oh my" and held my arm...she rushed over and grabbed my arm to make sure nothing had really gone wrong, and made me hold my arm over my head. Now I am scared to take blood from other people. We go from practicing on fake arms to real people. It sucks because my main problem is my shakeyness (go figure), so a fake arm I'm fin and confidant, then in front of a real person I get nervous, they say it comes with time...but I'm just looking for jobs where blood draws are not required from me :).

new day...same routine

2008-10-17T09:23:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to write...I don't really mean to only write once a month, it's just what happens.

Alot has happened in the last month too. I don't have a whole lot of time right now, but here is some tidbits maybe I'll feel more inspired later today.

School is good. I learned how to draw blood, I'm not very good at it yet, but they say that comes with time. I'm already through my first month, seven more to go. For the uninformed...I decided to try a MA (Medical Assistant) program, it's a big step down from nursing, hopefully just a temporary step...But given my current lifestyle and savings that is quickly running out I needed to do something that wasn't serving coffee, and where I can be in the medical field quickly. Besides that when I said I wanted to do nursing I always said I wanted to work in a pediatricians office, and I can do that as a MA, and not only that but I get the added bonus of office work (I'm such a weirdo I love office tasks). All of this is with the hopes that I can get a job as an MA and hopefully be on my way to RN before too long.

Libby is good, I guess she thinks my computer is dirty, she is licking it, and she keeps stratigically placing her head in my way. I'm hoping the puppy stage ends soon, I'm not sure how much more torn up papers I can stand. I also feel really bad because once a week I have a day where I go to school 8-1, then I go to work 3-11:15...so she is literally in her crate all day.

I have more to say but starbucks would probably not really be ok with me taking time off to write...so see you in a month :)

My life as an evacuee

2008-09-14T20:19:00.000-05:00

I must say hurricane surviving...not one of my strong points. I mean, I'm fine, and it's not like it was a struggle to survive or anything, but I am cranky, hungry, and REALLY want to take a shower.

It all started Thursday I guess you can say. As my last entry said, I was really anxious about not wanting to stay in my apartment by myself. But I figured I would have to work, so I was not sure I had any other real choice (starbucks never closes)...but when I got to work on thursday my boss announced that we would in fact close so that we could evacuate or hunker down as needed. Traffic had been pretty bad all day with people evacuating from Galveston, but I made the judgement to pack up and go to my moms when I got off work (at 9:30 pm). So I went home and threw a few things into a bag, and Libby's bag. I figured I would be at my moms until sunday tops, and I highly doubted her power would go out (my mom lives in Tomball). Luckily I traveled at an odd time so the drive to moms was fine...I didn't even have to use my newly purchased EZ tag (I know I FINALLY got one, I got tired of fishing for quarters) the tolls were free. Libby was just excited to have someone who wouldn't tell her no (my mom never really mastered that)

So Friday we ventured out to get a few necessary groceries...it seemed at that point that everything would be closed by later that afternoon...it was CRAZY. And really hard to figure out things that could completely be made without refrigeration AND microwaves (even though I still didn't really thing we would loose power). I also took what turned out to be my last shower that day too :(.All day the news was talking about the winds and rain coming, but it remained sunny most of the day. I think the wind started to pick up around 7 or 8...but we started hearing reports of power going out in Houston, so I was beginning to think I was right as the count of people who were losing power went up I was more and more relieved at my decision to go to my moms. But at 11 the cable went out...I thought that was bad...then at 2:30 am we lost power. It's crazy all I can really say is I heard the wind and the rain, but in the process of avoiding windows (besides it wasdark outside so you couldn't see anything) I can only say what I heard and maybe felt...I was sure it was just a matter of time before a window shattered and a tree limb impaled me (I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, surrounded by windows). Libby slept through the whole thing. It was hard to sleep with the wind blowing so hard, and I kept seeing flashes of the transformers blowing...so finally I grabbed a blanket and headed to my moms closet with Libby, I'm not going to lie, probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. I slept through most of the remainder of the hurricane. It was still pretty windy when I woke up in the morning though. When the sun came up I was slightly surprised to see my moms yard mostly unscathed.

So, being that maybe I am high maintence, I was not having the life with no ac, or tv, or real food...and all over the news (well, on the radio) it was being reported that it was going to be weeks before power would be fixed. So I made the decision that I was getting out of town and heading for Ft. Worth. Maybe the fact that I couldn't keep a cell phone call should have been a sign that was a bad idea. I called Jenn to search for ways for me to get there and I packed my things and set out on the road. I probably got 2-3 miles away before I was stopped in my tracks because water was covering the road. So I returned to my moms, and started my work of convincing her that even if we had to go to brenham or austin that we HAD to get a hotel, that I would die if we didn't leave. So we called my sister so she could start calling around to find open hotels...but nothing, we returned home defeated and I took an ambian and went to sleep.

Again when we woke up on sunday I was a little disheartened because not even a block away from my moms house power was running...but we were sweating it out. The only thing worse was the news constantly telling me that thankfully a cold front was coming through and would be here tomorrow. Really!? We had started hearing rumors of resturants opening and my mom needed to get gas, so we ventured out again meanwhile my sister found a hotel room in Round rock and it was decided that once we returned home we would turn around and make our way to Austin...when I noticed I had a voicemail...so I checked it (which I almost NEVER do)...and it was Johnny (he is my moms uncle, I guess my grand uncle, my grandmoms brother) he happens to live just down the street from me, and had journeyed out on his own and noticed that my apartments had power. So here I am in my bed with electricity and the ability to write random blogs.

Unfortunatly my apartment does not have water pressure...but I guess you can't have it all. I'm also now on lock down due to the curfew...what the crap, I didn't even have a curfew when I was in high school.

when is it ok to panic?

2008-09-10T18:01:00.000-05:00

So I am REALLY tired of the phrase "cone of uncertainty" you would think something like a hurricane impending could get a more serious name that doesn't sound like a magic trick circa 1900.

My normal cynical self is trying to tell myself that this is just like every other hurricane, all talk and nothing else...but my gut is telling me this might actually be a bigger deal. Everything in me is screaming evacuate. I want nothing more than to jump ship and even if I'm overreacting, say well better safe than sorry. But I have to work, tomorrow, friday and saturday...I don't think they will see it the same way. And I'm hoping they are right, I hope the news is making a bigger deal of this than it really is...but I'm really scared.

The part I'm most scared about is that if anything happens, I'm by myself. Well, Libby is here, but something tells me that she is not the most helpful in an emergency. I don't know where my flash light is, I don't have much food that doesn't involve a microwave, I don't even have neighbors...I think that is one of the things that scares me the most...that I am literally the only person who lives on my floor of my apartments... I can't even count on helpful strangers.

Please do not comment and tell me that "I'll be ok" or "they always make a bigger deal of these things than they really are" minimizing my anxieties will just make them worse.

I'm just frustrated...I hate the unknown...I hate that this time tomorrow I could be evacuating and I have no way to know...I'm going to be at work when the storm hits at this rate, I hate that I am going to be making stupid people coffee, who don't know that coffee during a hurricane not so much a priority. I hate that when I work friday I'm sure it'll be a onslought of people driving through on their way out of town...well I can't because I have to be there to give them coffee so they can leave but I can't. I'm totally a rather be safe than sorry person and it is killing me that I am going against my judgement to stay...

But at the same time I understand that the world can't close because there "might" be a storm in 2 days...and I remember just a month ago when "eduard" was the impending threat and it barely rained...I wanted to leave then too, so I'm just hoping I'm wrong again...I have never wanted so badly to be wrong.

blogs salad and irresponsibility

2008-09-06T16:26:00.000-05:00

so I'm currently at one of may favorite establishments... Tossed enjoying a salad and blogging.

I STILL don't have internet at my new apartment, come tuesday maybe I will blog from my own house :). I don't have cable also reducing my possibilities of wasting time and not doing things I should (like unpacking). I wouldn't worry though, I have procrastinating down to an art. The only things that are unpacked are my clothes and the kitchen...all of which my sister did while I was at work.

I thought packing my life into boxes was anxiety inducing...I guess unpacking those same boxes has the same effect. I have all this space and I don't know how to use it. I am a creature of habit so I know where ever these items land is probably going to be where they stay for the remainder of my time in my apartment. I think I also know how I threw those same things into boxes just a week ago, and so with the opening of every box is a surprise and a moment of what was I thinking, like today I found that I decided that packing my dvds and towels together was a great idea. I actually remember and those items were 2 of the last things I packed as I got the call the movers were on their way so I tossed them in the box and declared I was done (that was a really bad judgement on my part).

I feel really bad...(ps this is a subject change). I got sent home from work today because I was sick...I really was sick...I kept throwing up, but I knew it wasn't contagious so I figured I could work through it. And now that I feel fine I feel really guilty like I should have stuck it out...I have this annoying quirk...If I worry about ANYTHING I get sick the next morning. I have gone to the doctor (although it had been a long time and I am considering going back) So what happened was it started with a headache. I had it yesterday but it wasn't a huge deal. I had agreed to take one of my former campers to a concert, and I was fine...I went home and my head started to hurt again, and I only had about 2 1/2 hours to sleep before I had to be at work. But I wasn't worried about the lack of sleep I had planned for this and had taken a nap yesterday afternoon to prepare...But as I was falling asleep I started to worry, just general normal stuff that is always on my mind...this is why I normally fall asleep watching tv...so I don't think about this stuff...And lo and behold 4:25 am I was throwing up (sorry if you don't like stories about throwing up) I took some medicine that is supposed to help, and went to work...thats what sucks about opening, you don't have the luxury of calling in or getting a shift covered. I figured I would put on my big girl panties and go...and that it would maybe even be better to go to work and get my mind off the fact that I didn't feel good. but an hour later I was back on my way home. I hate it though. I feel awful...Kendra who sent me home was also not feeling well, and she stayed and her shift was longer than mine to begin with. I just hate not being reliable. I hate feeling like I 'm being a baby. I hate that when I woke up at 10:30 I felt fine. I almost would have felt more justified in being sent home if I had felt bad the whole day...but this whole throwing up thing never lasts that long only until about lunch time...which is why I thought I should stick it out. I'm just tired of it. I want to worry like a normal person...it sucks because when I start to worry I think about the fact that I'm going to make myself sick...then I worry about that. Anyhoo Kendra if you are reading this thank you for sending me home I really appreciate it and I'm sorry that I'm a baby (maybe I can play with your new baby spud)

Welcome back mr. panic attack

2008-08-22T15:09:00.000-05:00

so if you are reading this, hopefully we are friends...and if we're not...well I don't know what to tell you. Anyhoo, as my friend you probably know that I am prone to panic attacks. Maybe some consider it a quirk, I quite frankly wish I knew what life was like without it.

Anyhoo, so I wrote the whole entry last night about packing and moving. I was doing pretty good, I woke up today and pretty much spent most of the day packing. I was still slightly anxious, but moving at a pretty good rate so I wasn't too worried that I have until monday (but I work full 8 hour days saturday and sunday, so I am going to be in no mood to pack) to have my life in boxes. Until a little while ago my world got all shaken up (as it does fairly often I must say, can I PLEASE just catch a break???) The apartments I am moving into are not going to be finished in time to move monday and I am getting pushed back to Saturday.

Knowing that I was moving into new apartments I slightly suspected that might happen, and even voiced concern, but was told repeatedly that it would not happen and I would be fine. I'm just really frustrated because I deliberatly left a week for me to get completely moved, so that I could get my stuff out the old apartment cleaned, the wall in my room painted back to it's original color...and I guess luckily I had that week...but it just messes everything up. I had movers coming monday, my electricity is getting turned on monday, I had taken off work monday. Maybe it's not a huge deal, maybe I'm being a diva, I mean everything is taken care of movers are now coming saturday, my boss said he would work with me and help me get switched around so hopefully I can have off saturday. My sister is supposed to be moving too, and I'm not sure if it's going to be the same day but it makes me so anxious that we might have our movers here at the same time...how crazy would that be.

I know this is all trivial, I know there are bigger problems in the world...I mean essentially I am whining that I am not not going to have 2 apartments for a week...I am slightly relieved to not have to pay 2 rents for that week. I think I would be less mad if I hadn't been told time and time again that this exact situation I was worried about wouldn't be happening...is now happening.

I'm moving on

2008-08-21T20:45:00.000-05:00

So Erin wrote a blog about the things she loves (check it out in the blogs I read, mac and cheese)about moving. I have a completely different opinion. I am moving and as of 8:46 thursday night I have a grand total of 2 boxes packed. I have movers coming monday afternoon, but I just don't care...looking around at the daunting task of packing every single thing I own...No thanks. In a perfect world, I would get to my new apartment, and individually put each thing into it's new spot and for once in my life live in a tidy environment...be lets be honest we all know me and I am having movers come so everything will get rushed over in a matter of hours, the boxes I need in the immediate future will be opened, but I will only pull out what I need, I will not put away the whole box. Everything else will remain in boxes until a random day where I decide to finally unpack...which will probably happen in January. On top of that I will still be working through the move, so I'm not going to feel like putting any more effort forward than necessary.

Although I do enjoy getting to reminince while packing and unpacking...but I've moved pretty much twice a year for the last few years so there really isn't anything I haven't seen recently.

I am excited about cleaning out my closet. Wardrobe boxes are probably the best invention EVER. I can hang all my clothes and just put them in a hanging box and be done with it. As I was packing today I put anything I haven't worn in the last year or so seperate and it will be making a final journey to goodwill tomorrow. It's sorta relieving...because it appears that I have SO many clothes and it's almost daunting to even look in my closet, but most of it is stuff I haven't worn in years, hence why it's even hanging, we all know that the clothes I actually wear are probably strewn across my floor because they got washed but not put away or I wore them again before putting them away.

For the Libby fans. She had her surgery (the picture at the top is post surgery, when she still hated me), it turned out the she didn't simply displace her knee, that she actually tore a ligament requiring surgery. That was about a week ago and she is doing fairly good. She spends a lot of her days sleeping which is really nice and a little odd. I'm pretty sure she does it on purpose but I can never find my remote control, she usually lays on top of it, then squeels in pain when I have to lift her to look for it.

authenticity?

2008-08-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

I don't even know how to start this. first things first...

My "u" button is still not working...but I am getting a new computer in a few days (if you have a dell and want to know a secret message me ;) )
the rumor is true, my DOG dislocated her knee...who does that? Not only that but she is on bed rest for a week! how am I supposed to keep my dog still for a week? HAve you ever met my dog?

OK, but I didn't set out to talk about libby...it's just easier than what is really on my mind. If you have talked to me in the last 6 months you probably know a lot is going on, and I am not going into detail on here, if you don't understand you can ask me, but I'm not posting my personal life on the internet...just some of the feelings related to it.

It sucks...there are so many aspects of my life I am fed up with right now, I feel like nursing school is slipping further and further out of reach, I'm getting older and older to where it is not so acceptable that I don't have a degree. I don't have friends here...I spend most of my time working or catching up from working that it doesn't leave time for things like making new friends.

And that in and of itself is so freaking hard. Church seems to be the obvious place to try to find friends...but I just can't. There is so many unknowns in that regard in my heart...I just don't know how to even explain it. I just don't feel like I belong there. And I'm feeling like I hate myself, how am I supposed to make friends when I don't even like myself?

Then that leaks over into my regular life, I don't have friends, I don't have people to talk to, I just come home and play with Libby (my dog if you are not aware).

I'm just at a loss, I feel like I can't fix this...

Hellooooo Dolly

2008-07-23T17:05:00.000-05:00

So today was my day off...well actually I have tomorrow off too thanks to Dave :).

But today for the first time in a long time I actually used my day off to really do nothing. Well not nothing, I have gotten caught up on a little housework. OK.. really I did some laundry and picked up...and I don't even feel like putting away the laundry, so I let it pile on the floor and will hopefully will be more motivated tomorrow, at least libby is at my moms so the laundry is safe.

Since I have been home I have been inindated with news of hurricane dolly. I mean I understand being prepared and what not, but I live in Houston and the hurricane hit near brownsville...but the news people are acting like we are getting a direct hit. It did rain here some, but not any more than it would in a average rainstorm.

my bad

2008-07-16T18:21:00.000-05:00

I know I'm a bad blogger I was so ambitious to begin with, but this last month I just haven't had anything to say I guess. AND the "U" button on my laptop doesn't always work so I start out writing then get annoyed and quit.

So, Libby went to boarding school for 2 weeks...and to be perfectly honest, it didn't help at all. She is laying next to me chewing a raw hide...I guess she walks on a leash better (who knew you had to teach a dog to walk on a leash, I thought they just did it). She keeps making this disgusting squeeking noise with the raw hide...it's really grossing me out. The other night while I was sleeping she hid it in my hair...good thing I found it before work.

I went back to work last thursday (if you were not aware I took a month off). I can't wait to finish nursing school. It's just so hard to have excitment over something that I really take no pleasure from...I have no ambition to move up in the world of starbucks, it's literally just a job to me...that may sound harsh, and I don't have anything against the company or anything like that...I'm just saying it's not what I want to do with my life so it's hard to have any invested interest. It just sucks because I am stuck here...I can't afford to not work...well I can afford to not work, but I can't afford to not have health insurance...LAME.

If I didn't know any better I would think that I may be pregnant...I'm having all sorts of cravings for random foods that I don't normally care about...I have had fajitas 3 times this week. Right now I really want queso...but I already ate dinner.

So I am watching E! right now, as I often do. my routine is to watch chelsea lately at 5:30, e news at 6, then daily 10 at 6:30...but I really don't like the daily 10...I don't understand it basically covers the same stuff that E! news just covered...and not as well as e news covered it. What I hate the most is they still try to have teasers...before commercial they'll be like "see what star bought grapes at the grocery store" and be using the SAME picture the E! news used 2.3 minutes ago.

Has anyone seen the show "baby borrowers"? I am still forming my opinion...I feel like it is very staged. For those not familiar, they take teens who are in "commited" relationships and say they are totally ready to be parents, then give them a house a job and a baby (but every week they get a new child it goes progressively from infant, to toddler, to school aged, to this weeks pre teen...all the way up to caring for the elderly). If it is true it is funny to see how really adult these teenagers think they are then how dmb they wind up looking on tv. One girls reason for being ready for children was that because both her and her boyfriends moms had kids early, so she's ready...REALLY!? I think it comes on WE during the day you'll have to check it out. 2 of the couples are from Houston, I'm not sure what kind of a statement that is trying to make...but whatever.

Hopefully I will be moving next month...really there is no hopefully about it...I have to move...but it's just a matter of where. I found some apartments I love I'm just waiting to hear back if I'm in...they only had 2 of the floorplan I like so we'll see :)

NO LIBBY!!!

2008-06-19T17:57:00.001-05:00

So, it is no secret that I love to sleep. So This morning I was doing that very thing. I know letting Libby sleep with me is not a great idea, but up until now it seemed to be the best way to keep tabs on her. Libby woke up at 7 something, while I stayed in bed. She was quiet so I wasn't too concerned, I assumed that she had either found a bone or gone back to sleep, so imagine my shock to wake up to this:

Apparently, I had left a bag of paper towels on the couch the other day. Luckily she only pulled one roll out to dominate, and not all 8. Also left in the path of her destruction was a loaf of bread that she jumped up to the counter to get, and a paper bag. I have been giving her the silent treatment, the vet said not to yell at her for things that had already happen, but I couldn't help it...I have got to get her into obedience training stat.

I feel like all I ever say is "no libby!"...but especially after being at my moms things that I had already taken care of have re-emerged...like taking forever for walks...and even behavior that wasn't there before like her new fond love of barking...if you have talked to me and I've been home on the phone in the last week you probably heard the peristant barking/ whining she does when my attention is not focused on her. Her newest "trick" is that if I am on my computer she will tug on the cord to my computer.

All I know is that I am NOT ready for children...the other day I put her in her crate at "time out" for some reason and I forgot about her...definitly doesn't work on children.

who knew chivalry wasn't dead?

2008-06-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

So, I know most girls are looking for their knight in shining armour, the guy who holds doors, lifts heavy things, and is at your beckoned call...is it weird that I'm not.

I did some thinking today. It was brought on by a afternoon shopping trip. Nothing too exciting, just a little thing I like to call target and the grocery store. I had just gotten home and I was unloading my car. I was trying to make this first trip count the most, because any trip after was probably going to involve libby trailing behind me, but at the same time be able to juggle everything and be able to open the door with my keys. So, I was almost all the way up the stairs, when a guy literally came running up to my stairs and asked if he could help me. I politely declined, and found myself 1)weirded out that anyone even does that anymore 2) a little weirded out also because does creeper stranger really think I am going to allow him into my apt? 3) slightly offended, did stranger man think that I could not handle my own bag of lean cuisines? 4) a little confused because had I accepted his help I was a mere 4 steps away from my door, he would have had to come up the stairs we would have had to juggle bags keys and he would have taken the 4 steps to my door and put the bags down?

Now, I understand he was being polite, and I respect/ appreciate that. I dunno though, I still find it odd on so many levels. I mean I'm really not all womans lib, womans rights, woman can do anything...and thats not because I don't think they can either...I guess more or less, I don't care. I personally HATE putting gas in my car, so if someone volunteers to do it (man or woman) I would probably let them. However holding doors open, I don't know that I am that hugely impressed by that. I guess a lot of it depends on the context and situation.

I guess what I am trying to say in my own jumbly fashion is that, I am possibly too independent for my own good. I often view chivalrious (i hate spelling ps) acts as "trying too hard"...like I said before maybe in a different context or situation I will see things differently, We'll see.

make up whore?!

2008-06-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

So if you know me at all you probably know that make up is not a high priority of mine. I typically wear basics and that is it. I often complain that I wish I was more daring...but I don't want to by make up then not wear it. SO...the other day Mary called me to inform me that Nordstroms was launching a new make up line and so they had to get rid of the old one, so all the make up was a dollar.

She told me that 2 days ago, and I just now checked, and it is true, I just bought a crap load of make up...maybe this will make me more trendy.

EVERYTHING'S $1.00! http://www.eyeslipsface.com/shop.asp. heres the link if you want to check it out.

what do you know about me facebook?

2008-06-09T18:05:00.000-05:00

Preface: the "u" on my laptop is not functioning properly, so for the most part I catch it but should you run across a word where it is spelled wrong due to a missing "u" just know that I probably got on a roll and just didn't catch it.

So about finals time around 4 years ago my life as I knew it was changed when I was introduced to facebook. A social tool where I can find the person I shared a seat on the school bus with in 4th grade...yes please. I now find it completely neccessary to validate friendships on facebook...how else would I know what is going on with someone who I think MIGHT have been in my english class in high school, but I accepted their friendship because I didn't want to be a snob.

This is not a facebook bashing blog. I love facebook. I am slightly ashamed that I know way too much about people I maybe haven't seen for years but none the less, I love it.

There is one feature that has recently driven me crazy. The "you might know this person" feature has driving me nuts since I first noticed it on my home page. For the most part I typically ignore it. But sometimes I get sucked in...I see someone and think "how the crap might I know that person?" Or someone will come up and I will "know" the person, but in a random we happened to meet based on a mtual friend sort of way. The thing is that I have a freakishly good memory for the most part...so I usually know right away if that is the case.

So in an effort to rid myself of that annoyence I decided to face the music I opened the thing and went through one by one either deleting or friending each and every person on the list...hence a recent influx in my facebook friends list...we'll see how that works out for me.

I had a few criteria when trying to decide whether to delete or friend someone. First...do I even know you? More often than not people on the list were literally people I didn't know, that I just happen to have several mutual friends with...next was whether or not I like the person...if the answer was no it was an immediate delete...then I asked myself whether or not this person would even know who I was. I realize that people do not remember things like I do...but this one I was slightly leinient on, because really...if they don't add me back I don't really care...I don't even blame them. It was just as rediculous as it may seem I didn't want to delete everyone and be a facebook snob...I mean if you can't stalk virtual strangers than what is the point of facebook right?

What I am left wondering after this experiment is how does facebook decide whether or not I know someone? I assmed it was based on a number of mutual friends...but I found that in some cases I had either no mutual friends or maybe just one or two. For the most part it was high schoolers that go to school with kids I know from camp, or people who go to texas state that I literally just have several mutual friends.

SO in other news, I miss my dog. I got to see Libby today, I stopped at my moms on the way home from my moms. But Libby was weird. She was happy to see me, but quickly calmed down and just laid in my lap. If you have met my little Libby you know that she does not do that...she sleeps at night and that is pretty much it. I feel bad because I feel like she is depressed...I know she is a dog not really capable of emotions, but I feel guilty because I know she came from a shelter, but I don't know what happened before that, so I am scared that she thinks I am abandoning her.

Also...if you have been following my remote control drama...my batteries died AGAIN!!! Just to recap when I started this blog one of my first blogs was about my remote control batteries dying...So I replaced the batteries and went on with life. Thinking it would be a while before I would run into that problem again, you can imagine my shock when I came home today and couldn't make my remote work AGAIN. I feel like remote control batteries have potential to live forever...so why do I keep killing them?? I can't figure it out.. at first since I have the kind of remote that lights up when you hit a button that maybe I am storing it with a button pushed thus draining the battery, but not only have I been very careful about that, but I haven't even been home since Saturday. So I stole the batteries out of sisters remote (don't worry sister it's just until I go buy new ones tomorrow.) That was the only appliance left that I have not swapped batteries for yet, Maybe energizer just sucks. I will let you know :)

life on a farm

2008-06-08T12:15:00.000-05:00

So I am spending a few days at the farm house sitting for my aunt. I hate it here. If there was ever any doubt that I am a city girl...it is gone now.

It started last week when my stupid people pleasing nature made me volunteer in an effort to keep my Aunt from being mad at me. So here I am. At least I figured out how to get internet...my laptop won't connect so I am using a desktop for the first time in forever.

Originally i didn't care too much because I was only supposed to be here wednesday-friday...but then she called and asked if I could come saturday-monday too...I still didn't care too much because I figured I could spend my days by the pool...and it wouldn't be too bad...oh but wait the pool is broken. SUCK!!

It's just weird. I'm in what used to be my granddads house, but other than a few pictures and the colors of the walls it is nothing like what he wanted.

But true story...yesterday I looked out the window to see Jimmy (my aunts friend who lives in another small house on the land) was outside jumping around with a large stick...my guess is that he was doing tai chi or something like that...but it was quite funny to see a grown man jumping around like a little kid. Why can't he feed the cats?

PS...so when I volunteered I thought I was watching 3 cats...there are 6 here. I don't even like cats. PLUS I had to take libby to my moms because she said she couldn't come...I'm not sure what one more pet would really matter. I always say I am scared I'm going to become a cat lady...this must be what it's like.

I'm going to go to town and be with civilization for a little while...wish me luck.

I hate myself...

2008-05-26T17:27:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of being accused of not sharing my feelings...

I'm so mad right now. I'm tired of the way people treat me...and I'm more tired of the fact that now that I have finally stuck up for myself it makes me a bad person. I'm tired of being blamed for things I can't control, I'm tired of regretting being nice. I'm tired of this place of letting everyone get to me to the point where I hate myself. I'm even tired of libby trying to chew on my arm.

I don't know what to say or do. I honestly hate the fact that I want to make people happy. I know there is a line and areas of grey, but I'm am pretty black and white.

I started out the day upset. I called my sister to tell her something (Libby had taken a bag of clothes from her room and drug them into my room to sleep with them)...and the boy she is staying with took her phone and was saying all this crap about my dog being a whore blah blah blah. Honestly I couldn't care less about that. If he wants to be immature and talk about my dog then whatever. But I don't feel like you should talk to someone you don't know or have never met let alone talked to. So then I was mad that he talked to me like that, then when my sister got back on the phone all she did was say that he was "playing" ...so we talked for like 30 more seconds when I could hear him in the background telling her to get off the phone with me...that is what really bothers me. She is supposed to be MY sister. I am the one who edured sharing a room with her, I'm the one who knows how she got the scar on her eye, I'm the one who has a birthmark on my back in almost the same exact spot as her, I am the one who got a black eye from her, I am the one with a scar on my left arm because on her...not him. Joking or not I don't think that is ok...not only on his part but on her part either.

She called me a little later and I told her why I was mad. All she would say was "ok" in a annoyed tone and that he was just kidding. So then I was more upset that she didn't seem to care at all about me and my side of the story. I understand that she has no control over him and what he says/does..but she didn't even make and appempt to apologize or make him stop. And ultimately when he told her to get off the phone she did. All I'm saying is that if one of my friends talked to her like that i would have said stop or said something to me when I got the phone back.

The if that didn't make me mad enough...So I was just reading someone I work withs myspace note survey thing and one of the questions was "who do you dislike the most" her answer was "leigh's sister" let me preface this with...my sister had planned on letting somone live in her room while she is in Florida and has the apt here so she can save some money. So I knew somoeone at work and talked to her about it. She agreed to it, so in a effort to not be in the middle i wanted the two of them to meet to tralk about rules/ expectations. Well the girl stood stephanie u twice...so she said no to the whole deal...which I can't honestly blame her for, Steph was accepting a lot of responsibility by even letting her move in with stephs name on the lease and everything. We all know that I am generally not late...but I think especially when someone is doing you a favor you do anything you can to keep that commitment. Stephanie said if she couldn't come that day how did she know she would pay rent or anything. For that I am sorry. I can understand being mad I can see being upset, but what frustrates me is blaming stephanie for this...and being mad at her. It's not like she sad no for fun ...she wanted her to move in, but when she was blown off what is she supposed to do.

I hate being in the middle.

I think I'm alone now

2008-05-25T22:12:00.000-05:00

For the first time ever in my life I live alone. Ok, maybe not completly...obviously sister still pays most of the rent and half of the bills...but last time I checked starbucks did not start paying a mil.

It's weird, but it hasn't really hit me. I mean sister has left for weeks at at time before...so it just feels like a vacay. I mean it is a big deal to me...I am sad...but...lets think logically people...all her stuff is still here, she has to come back sometime. Plus before we moved to Houston she had lived in California for 3 years, so it's not like I am going to have to get used to her not being around.

She won't admit it but she misses Libby. Today I was talking to her and telling her that I had dropped her off to be groomed and when I picked her up she seemed really sad and I was worried that she might have thought I had abandoned her. Sisters response was I sure that it wasn't because she missed her (libby missed sister). Libby does sit in front of her door...so I guess she does some.

I miss sister (just a little) I realized it yesterday (ps she left yesterday morning)...when I wanted a snack of cereal. We are out of milk. Normally I just hold out until she buys some (not because I'm a jerk but a) I rarely drink milk and b) I rarely go to grocery stores)...but if I try that I'm not going to have milk until July. Granted, I don't like milk...I only use it in cereal. I hate buying milk...I never use it all half the time I wind up throwing away a unopened carton of milk because I forget it. I also miss that she used to take Libby on her last walk of the night. Considering I go to bed somewhere around 9...she would take libby out before bed...so that she wouldn't have an accident.

Speaking of accidents...for someone who has never had a dog I am quite proud to say that Libby is housebroken. I've had her for a week and a half. I think it's been a few days since she has had an accident in the house...and it's not like I'm home to take her out all the time, that means she has figured out that I will take her out eventually. I'm sure there will still be accidents, as I am writing this I had to look down to make sure she wasn't doing it right this minute...but for the most part we are doing great. I have also broken the habit of letting her on my bed. I will let her cuddle sometimes but the second she bites or licks my face she has to get down. It's been almost a week since she has slept in my bed...I let her on tuesday night, but it was more because I was upset...not because she wanted to.

I didn't like this last week very much...I'm not really one for posting every detail...and it would take a REALLY long time and a lot of explaining, so all of that to say...this week blew.

So today I went to the pool for a little while and did some nursing entrance exam studying. I felt like I was studying for the SAT...which isn't good because I didn't do that great on the SAT, I don't even remember what I got but I don't think I studied at all. But a lot of the questions were if blank is to blank then what is blank to blank. Well there was one section that you had to pick out a mispelled word in a series of sentences. I don't remember what the specific questions were...but on a quick scan of the questions I answered B...the sentence was Max was their to do something (I don't remember what). Obviously, that was wrong because it should have been "there" and not "their" so I circle it...when I was checking my answers I was wrong. I really thought it was a misprint...I was mad for a little while until I figured it out...the instructions asked for the one that was spelled wrong...not the one that was gramatically wrong. I still think that is a cheap shot...but at least now I know what to expect from those mo-fo's.

and then I was like...whatever

2008-05-18T20:11:00.000-05:00

It has recently been brought to my attention that I very frequently use the word whatever. Although I have always been aware that I say it alot I never really realized that it is a defining speech pattern of mine until the other day.

So Libby woke up at 4:30am. Although I am actually used to waking up then, it doesn't really make me a fan. Anyhoo, I had promised Mary that I would bring Libby through the drive thru at starbucks (they frown upon me bringing her in the store...whatever..SEE I just did it, and I really didn't even do it on purpose) So, decided to take Libby because it would be before the rush. So I pull thru and Bob answers. He says the spiel, and I said "hey bob, it's leigh" I told him my order (don't worry, it was passion tea which has no caffine)...but apparently he didn't realize it was me (because who wakes up that early on their day off) until...he said something else to me and I said "whatever, I'll see you at the window" Mary later told me that was what tipped him off that it was me...apparently he didn't hear me say my name.

What makes that even funnier is just the day before that happened he mentioned my frequent use of the word. I wonder if it bothers him. I thought about trying to count how many times I use it in one day, but I don't think I can, it is such a natural part of my speech that I don't even realize how much I say it.

I don't even know where it came from. I mean I know the first time I remember hearing it was clueless...sometime in middle school. But I feel like more recently it has become a staple in my vocabulary.

Someone once told me I have a interesting vocabulary. I'm not sure what to make of that. I feel kinda bad because I can't lie most of my speech patterns are not original. In fact the more I think about it Katie Schrank is responsible for most of them. In my own defense...all of phi lamb talked like her and all of camp talks like her so virtually everyone I know talks like her...I can't help it. I remember in college when a defining speech pattern for a phi lamb was "I'm not going to lie" I guess it is good that since it was a christian sorority that we didn't lie.

It's just funny to think about where I pick up things...like "friend", "get excited", "jsyk", "I'm just sayin", "get a grip", "lets talk about"...even "sister" is not original as most people think. Although I think I might have actually started "get excited"

At work I often get told I talk too fast. Every once in a while someone will tell me to slow down...it's usually old men. Maybe they should learn to listen faster. I also amazed everybody with my ability to rap "ice ice baby" pretty fast.

Alright stop collaborate and listen...

2008-05-17T22:02:00.000-05:00

So, the only way I am even able to write this is because Libby is sleeping next to me. Otherwise she requires all of my attention. I don't know if she is unusually clingy but I can't even go to the bathroom without her by my side. I always hated it when I would hear people compare pets to children, and I'm not doing that per se, but dang...she has become my life as sad as it might be.

I realized it was bad when I go to work and on my breaks the first thing I do is call (my sister, not the dog) and check on her.

She is really funny though, she is pretty small, seven pounds to be exact, but somehow she manages to take up most of my bed. Me...the same person who jokes that even when she is married she wants seperate rooms...because she does not like to share her bed. The other night she almost took out my eye, when I looked up to find her while I was sleeping she darted at my face and hit me square in the eye...it hurt so bad, I thought if I had to go to the dr. how was I going to explain that my dog hit me in the eye.

The first day I was frustrated, she isn't housebroken, she won't leave my side, she bites (playfully of course), licks my face...I was wondering if I had made a really bad decision. The next day I had to work, and my sister spent most of the day with her. When I got home and got the report that she had still been going to the bathroom on the carpet, that she had been biting, and wouldn't let my sister leave...I again questioned my decision...Friday I was off work...and when I had to wake up at 4 am to make sure that she wouldn't pee in my bed...I wondered who I became. but at some point I talked to my mom...and thought about taking her over there because I am not sure that I can handle it...but I can't do it...the thought of leaving her at my moms and not being with her makes me sad...I know I'm lame. It's just so weird, I never thought I was a pet person, I have never even kinda wanted a pet until last week. But I love that she is excited when I come home...I love that she just wants to sit next to me, even though I am a little concerned I even love that she cries when I leave.

In life other than my puppy...sister is leaving in a week...that is weird. I feel like we still just moved here. So much has happened, and I am so glad to have had this time to find myself a little more with the security of having her around, and I'm also excited to take the next step. As lame and cliche as that sounds...I think I'm finally ready.

Meet Libby...

2008-05-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

I am now a brand new puppy mommy! I have a 6 month old chihuahua beagle mix, her name is Libby. She has a lot of energy and hates being seperated from me. She is sitting next to me right now chewing a bone because that is the only way she will let my type.

I adopted her from a shelter, so I don't really know too much about her. But I am quickly learning! She loves the camera, and her bunny. She cries in the crate, I know this is a huge mistake but I'm going to let her sleep with me tonight...then let her get more used to the crate during the day while I work and eventually have her in the crate....and she just made a hole in my sheets...oh bother.

at least she is cute...

I'm a puppy mom!!

2008-05-13T17:58:00.000-05:00

I know I have always said that I don't want a pet...BUT...I'm going to be a puppy mom. I am adopting a precious little puppy girl...she is a rat terrier and a year old, full grown she is about 7 pounds. I haven't decided on a name, but her current name is Henrietta. I am thinking about Daisy, or Penny, or Roda, and maybe Bella...we'll have to see what she is like before I decide. I have already promised her pink accessories. I'm going to officially adopt her tomorrow, then she has to get spayed (I do not wish to be a puppy grandma), so I can pick her up hopefully by thursday.

Who knew things would change :)

No they did-ent...

2008-05-11T19:29:00.000-05:00

Apparently my trend is to blog twice in one day...

I am just slightly annoyed/ confused

OK...so I somehow wound up reading something about the 20 worst food choices you can make. Much to my relief I don't really eat any of the things on the list nor are half of the resturants even in Texas...with one exception. My beloved chilis. not only is my beloved chilis on the bad list, but my favorite thing to eat there was the offending food.

Honey chipotle chicken crispers. Let me preface this with I am not claiming that I ever thought they had any nutritional value, nor am I delusional enough to believe that they were even marginally healthy. That is not my point...I am aware that they probably have enough calories for 3 days. My annoyance is that the article stated "instead try the fajita pita"...in all reality I actually enjoy the pita...but that is no subsitution for chicken crispers.

I guess they are just trying to say if your going to eat out and don't want to be a fatty then you should eat this. But really it just reminds me of target...that is not going to make sense to anyone but Jenn.

Once in Ft. Worth Jenn and I went to target...I don't remember what we were looking for...or if we were looking for anything specific to begin with but we at some point noticed these little signs...they would be under random items that I guess were on sale or something but were sold out and they were like "we are out of sheet, but instead we have lawn furniture" there we several of them we still laugh about it. It was just funny, they would take the most random items and replace them with something that couldn't even be remotely related.

All of that to say that is how I feel about the chilis subsitutions. I had chilis for lunch today, I had a black bean burger...and I also this time got vegtables instead of subbing french fries this time...go me.

I am really excited, I don't have to work until thursday...and even then I don't work until 11:45am. Last night I stayed up until 1 am...and when the storm woke me up I didn't have to panic that it was cutting into my very important sleep time (however, actually had I been working I would have already been at work for and hour when the storm came). So get excited that only leaves more time for mindless blogs :)

Madre day

2008-05-11T18:07:00.000-05:00

You know who is awesome....Tiffany Humes :) just kidding...well I'm not kidding that she is awesome, but only by calling her out by name...just had to show some love. She is also a new madre...as are most of my friends. When did I get to the age where now my friends celebrate mothers day as mothers and not for their own mothers?

I just got home from a wild and crazy mothers day. ok, it wasn't wild and or crazy...but it was a day. Sister and I drove to our moms new house way out in the boondocks. Then went to chilis, basically because it was the only place to go all the way out there, then we went to walmart to look at plants, I was a little scared that sister had volunteered us to do the garden today...but we didn't thank goodness, I hate being dirty. Then sister and I began the journey home and here I am. I got aquainted with sisters new gps...between the radio, the radar detector and the gps...there is not a quiet moment in that car.

I also volunteered to see my mother again on tuesday...who does that? Since sister said we couldn't do birthday/ mothers day I decided to do look at an apartment/ birthday. I have been looking online and I found a apt that I really like. It's in Cinco Ranch (and we all know how I love spainglish)...it has a garage and my apt would be upstairs, and it has wood floors...I am just trying to decide it the cheaper price for living toward Katy is worth living further out of town. I mean for the most part I am used to living in a small city near a larger one (i.e. san marcos was 30 minutes from Austin),and I already live in very west Houston, and have no real desire to move much further in...the closest I would really consider would be beltway-ish...but even that is a little further in than I am comfortable with.

I have also made another consideration that I have always said I would never do... a puppy. I know, I always say how I don't want a pet, and I'm really not convinced I want one, I feel like it's a big responsibility, and if I can't commit to being home I would feel bad leaving it locked in a tiny apt all the time. But I also think living by myself for the first time it would be nice to have someone who is forced to love me :)...and can bark if strangers approach. But my biggest concern is how dogs smell...I don't know if there are any non smelly ones. And it better not lick me...that is gross.

Sorry this wasn't funny...I'm watching Jon and Kate plus 8...so I'm not really focused.

Geriaticocity

2008-05-09T17:56:00.000-05:00

I have been 26 for almost 2 weeks now. I'm pretty much just chillin and waiting for the AARP meetings to start (is it bad that I don't know what that stands for? I even just googled it and I could only find what it does, not what it stands for...no wait I just looked on wikipedia it stands for "American Association for Retired Persons")

I am noticing more and more my geriatric tendicies...I mean we all already know about my love for luby's, golden girls and mahjongg.

a recent series of events (and by recent I mean an hour ago) has reenforced my feelings, but most of them are caused by my job.

So, I got home from work today and ate my lunch and did some other pointless things. I fell asleep around 2 after a long fight to stay awake. Who takes mid afternoon naps? Me, babies under the age of 2 and senior citizens. When I woke up I immediately thought "OH no I slept too long...I need to hurry and get dinner" it was 4! Even babies don't eat then...just me and the senior citizens at Luby's. So I go get dinner (taco cabana if you were wondering) but when I got home I realized they had given me the wrong order. I ate some of it, but it was a taco salad with beef when I ordered a cabana bowl with chicken. Anyhoo so then I was still hungry...all while thinking I needed to eat asap because a) I was hungry and b) I don't like to be full when I go to bed.

I mean in my defense I waws legitimately hungry, I eat breakfast at 5 something am, and I eat lunch at 10 am.

Anyhoo, I went to the kitchen to make a substitute dinner. I opened the cabinet to see my cereal choices, sister and I apparently eat a lot of cereal...what is funny is that all the sugary kids cereals are mine and grown up healthy ones are Stephanie's. So I decide on raisin bran, which is odd because I don't like raisins, but none the less that is the one I picked. I pour the cereal and as I am walking to my room with it a realization hit me...I picked a old people cereal. I'm not sure that it is really a old person cereal, but in my head it is, it was one that waas always at my grandparents house growing up.

I also plan on going to bed around 8...thats when my grandmom used to go to bed...I spend a lot of my mornings talking about the weather...I am legally blind... I have uttered the phrase "when I was your age", nothing makes me happier than going to bed at a reasonable hour...the other day I had to inform Mary that Phil Collins was in Genesis, while someone else said "who is phil collins", At least my love for E! negates the geriatricocity for me...and my lack of love for soap operas.

OH-EM-GEE

2008-05-09T13:19:00.000-05:00

So today has been pretty awesome.

1) many of you have heard about crazy lady in a buick that made me cry...well I found out today that she is moving to MARYLAND! I'm not sure if that is code for another place a little warmer...if you know what I mean but that news alone made me so happy, I don't have to live in fear everytime I hear the beep in my ear that she is going to be the voice on the other end.

2) I got paid today, which in and of itself is awesome...but for the first time ever in my life I saw on the bottom of my check VACATION TIME!!! I know, most of the people in the world get paid weeks of vacation...but I don't care I am so excited...I have 12 hours of vacay...awesome! And I also got a raise this week :)

3) We got to sample 5 pastries today...Whenever it's time to do "roll out" we get the new stuff to try, including tiny donuts, strawberries and cream coffee cake, shortbread cookies with rasberry in the middle, lemon cream cheese muffins, and a fruit bowl with kiwi, mango, and strawberry...I actually only ate the fruit bowl, but still it was nice that sbux sent us so much free stuff.

4) number 4 is awesome...but I don't know that it should be advertised on my blog, so this is here just to emphasize that there are more awesome things. :)

5) After I get off work tomorrow at 10:30 am I don't have to work again until Thursday...I thought about going to ft. worth, but Jenn is starting to get sick, most of my friends that live there are busy vacationing, graduating, having babies, or still working...so I'm going to wait...now I could use my paid vacay. Plus sister made plans for us to go to our mothers on sunday, I am not thrilled about that, I was hoping to kill 2 birds with one stone so to speak because we still are supposed to do lunch or dinner for my birthday, but sister says we can't make her pay if it's for mothers day too...I guess that is true...but twice in one week...I dunno.

I wish my neighbors would be quiet, I need a nap...but they are playing loud music...it sounds like they may be watching a movie, but either way it is loud. Part of me feels like I can't be mad because it is 2 pm...and most people don't sleep then...but at the same time just as a general rule of having neighbors, I shouldn't be able to hear that you are watching a movie. What the crap, just as I am writing this they are banging about...who does that? it's not like they have children or anything...well I guess they might...but I kinda doubt it.

Anyhoo, I'm out.

Who does that!?!?

2008-05-06T22:03:00.000-05:00

The whole point in me starting this blog is to share the things in my life that only would happen to me. I do really dumb things sometimes...but really you just have to laugh about it.

So there is this dress. I saw it at J.Crew like a month ago. I loved it from the moment I saw it...however...it was 80 something dollars, and I almost never wear dresses, so I couldn't justify buying it. Life went on...I watched as it worked it's way to the back of the store ( I am aware that means that I have a slight obsession/ dependency problem). But I just could never bring myself to buy it. Well...today I was there (I swear I hadn't been there for like 2 weeks). My friend Mary and I were killing time between working this morning and a meeting this afternoon (don't worry...we now make the best frappucinos you will ever have)...so I showed her the dress, but we went on our way...I wasn't really in a shopping mood and we were running close on time to have to leave. But when I did see it I noticed that the dress was now $49...and an additional 30% off of that. So I thought about it and decided that I had to go back and get the dress...I have wanted it long enough and I felt like the price had gone down enough that I could have it..this was probably going to be my last chance. So after the meeting I head back to Katy to go to J. Crew....I go in and get the dress.

This is where things start to go wrong (however I did not know it yet)...I get the dress a belt and 2 other shirts...all for $55 (I know I am awesome...apparently I get a student discount at J. Crew...yet another reason I am thankful for not looking my real age...good thing I still have my Texas State id). If you know anything about me you might know that I do not try on clothes. I just hate it...especially today...our AC was broken at work...so I just felt gross. I generally know my size at stores I shop at...and to be honest, I would rather not try something on, take it home find out it doesn't fit and take it back...but really that doesn't ever happen, I can't even tell you the last time I have had to take something back. Anyhoo, I do a little bit more shopping, pick up dinner and make my way home.

So I get home, do some random stuff, take a shower, and after I got out of the shower I thought to myself that I wanted to try on the dress...I had already decided that I was going to wear the dress tomorrow to run errands...so I started to put it on. As I went to unzip it the zipper went down about an inch and a half and stopped. Determined at this point that I was going to get the dress on I mess with the zipper a little in an attempt to get it open. I couldn't get it to budge...so I get the idea to just see if I can slip it over my head. It was a little tight to get it over my shoulders, but I did it. The dress fit perfectly and I love it. So I got my fill of wearing my adorable new dress and I was ready to put on my pajamas...so I go to slip the dress over my head the same way I got it on...but it gets stuck on my shoulders. Surely if I got the dress on, it has to come off...so I try again...but it's not budging. I wiggle and hop around, but the dress is not going over my head.

I started to panic slightly...but was also trying to think of alternatives...pulling the dress down over my hips was not and option...my hips are bigger than my shoulders so that was not going to work...I couldn't do the zipper when I wasn't wearing the dress so I figured that with the zipper behind my back it was not going to make it any easier. I sat on my bed...getting frustrated when I realized what I would have to do. My sister was in her room watching tv...so I was going to have to request her help. I didn't want to do it. I am fairly modest and I typically avoid her seeing me in my underwear...lets be honest, we are from the same genepool...but I'm like 50 pounds bigger than her so I do not need that kind of judgement. But I did not see any other way...so I go in her room and in my most pathetic voice told her I was in fact stuck in my dress. Of course she didn't believe me and thought that I was just dumb and tried the zipper....obviously she could not make it move either ...she made the same over the head attempt that got me into this mess to begin with...and honestly I was sure it would work...it wasn't that hard to get on I just figured I couldn't get it off because of the angle of my shoulders when trying to pull the dress up...but we got nowhere. At that point she gave up and I went back to my room coming to the realization that I might be sleeping in my dress.

So I am starting to get desperate...this dress has GOT to come off...it is a precious dress...but I am not willing to commit to it for the rest of my life. I am also realizing that I may at this point have to risk tearing to get out...So I twist it around so the zipper is in front and pull at it, I figured the zipper was already broken, so I couldn't break it any more....finally I get the zipper to open under where the zipper was previously stuck....but I still can't get the dress off. I keep pulling and can finally inch the zipper down by somehow getting one side to move a little at a time....and voila...the dress is off and I am now comfortably in my bed in soffe shorts and a tshirt...just as life should be. My shoulders are a little sore from all the twisting...but I'm just glad to be out...I really thought I might have to sleep in the dress.

All of that to say that you would think that I would learn some things from all this...1) that I would no longer think the dress is precious...wrong...I still love it and plan on exchanging it tomorrow for one with a functioning zipper. 2) that I would try on clothes...wrong...I am 26 and this is the first time something like this has happened...so I figure that I'm not due for another rediculous mishap until I am 52...although it may be harder to wiggle out at that point.

I don't know what to say...I'm stubborn.

You wish you didn't know

2008-05-04T16:42:00.000-05:00

Man...you know it's sad when you are struggling to stay awake at...4:30pm...and I am nauseated by the idea that in 12 hours I will be at work while most of the world, except for our friends maybe in London or something, will be sleeping.

You will be happy to know that I have fixed the music player to be on random...so now everytime you visit a different song will play...or I guess you can put it on whatever you may want. I'm trying to change the picture thing...but that is a harder process and quite frankly I'm not even sure how I got it on there to begin with...it involved codes and we all know that I don't do number well.

I really love summer I decided...I love laying out, I love that things seem more relaxed...we'll see how I feel about starbucks, I haven't formed an opinion on that yet.

I've started apartment hunting...and by apartment hunting I mean looking online with my sister for 10 minutes and glancing at the other apts on eldridge as I go to different places. Whatever, I don't have to move until August/ September.

I have decided to share some random facts about myself, I guess you can call it a exercise in authenticity...I was challenged quite frankly...and I don't typically turn down challenges.

1) I am a shampoo whore. I noticed earlier today that I have 4 different shampoo bottles in my shower...and the conditioner that goes with them...and in some cases the deep conditioner that goes with that. Ok lets be honest, I'm a product whore...a product whore addicted to pink packaging. I had to convince myself yesterday at the store that I did not in fact need barbie cereal because it came in a pink box.

2) When I introduce myself and say "I'm Leigh" people often hear "Emily" and if I don't think it matters or that I'll ever see that person again I don't correct them. It hasn't back fired yet, but I'm just waiting for that day when I see someone and they say "your emily right...I met you at..." and I have to admit that is not my name and that I didn't correct them.

3) I really hate name tags. I don't know, I think since my name gets mispronounced all the time I hate it when people try to say my name without asking me. It's just weird...if I don't tell you my name or you don't have an actual purpose for knowing my name, then why should I advertise it?

4) I am eating cheese and crackers right now :)

5) I will never admit it but I am a picky eater, but I am. I don't eat things with peas, corn, whipped cream, onions, pickles, blueberries, melon, yogurt, oatmeal, granola, cooked carrots, any cooked fruit, bacon, eggs, ham, pork, lettuce, tomatoes, bananas, cantelope, popcorn, milk...get the picture. Besides that sometimes it's a texture or smell that makes me not like something, like yogurt...I don't mind the taste but I hate the smell.

6) I don't like to be touched, that is not a comepletely true statement. Yes, in general I avoid random contact with people, but if I love/trust you it doesn't bother me at all...but it is hard to make that distinction with people sometmes (like if I don't care if one person hugs me, but I really don't want another person to) so I just make it a blanket statement.

7) As a child I aspired to be a news anchor...until I realized that I don't enjoy public speaking.

8) I like to use big words, and most of the time I even know what they mean, but I don't use them when I write because I don't spell so good sometimes.

9) I am REALLY stubborn. There is no use trying to change my mind once I have a decision made. I take my time forming opinions, but once one is made it doesn't change. I don't put much stock in zodiac things, but pretty much any one of those things about me says I'm stubborn...my sign is taurus, when you go to chinese resturants I was born in the year of the dog...both of those are described as being stubborn.

Thats all I can think of...

Drive Thru ettiquette 101

2008-05-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

I have been going through drive thrus most of my life just as most people in America...but now that I work at one I am amazed by how rude and crazy people are.

1) Pulling up to the box and saying "HELLOOO" if I don't respond immediately. Chances are if I haven't said anything in 10 seconds that I am mid sentence with someone else, or standing in front of a blender, or grinding coffee...so if I talked I wouldn't be able to hear you. I know what you are thinking...it is rude to let someone sit there...I could at least say I'll be with you in just a moment or something...but 9 times out of 10 that doesn't work...once I say that they go ahead and order...people don't pay attention. I promise I will get to you as soon as I can.

2) Cutting off the spiel. I hate saying it, everytime I hear that ding I have to launch into "thank you for choosing starbucks, this is Leigh, would you like to try our new pike place roast coffee" ...trust me I don't enjoy having to say it 234 a day...but it's even more frustrating when mid sentence I get cut off mid sentence by some grumpy person saying "I just want coffee" I mean I can sympathize with this one, it is annoying as a customer to be offered things you don't want...especially when you are just running in and you know exactly what you want...I understand...but at the same time, I am not saying all of that for fun...I am told to say that, by the powers that be...I have to suggestive sell....is it really that hard to wait 15 seconds, say no thank you. and order what it is you actually want? If you hate this you have to go higher up than telling the person at the window...they have no control over what they are told to say. Anytime someone tells me that they hate being told all that, I just say I'm sorry, I have to do it...but if you really don't like it I would call someone in customer service, or email them.

3) skipping the box...there has got to be a special hell for these people. I don't understand...in all the time I have been using drive thrus it has never even been an option to me to skip the box and go straight to the window. I guess people think that if there is no line they can go straight to the window...but what they don't realize is that there are typically 2-3 people who hear your order...the person on the register, the person at the bar, and the person who is actually talking called the expiditer. So, when you skip the box and go straight to the window it throws things off...it's hard to explain I guess, it really isn't the end of the world but what is so frustrating about it is the peoples attitudes that do it. It is typically someone who is so busy on their cell phone that they weren't paying attention when they get to the box to order. Or I have also heard "oh I just drove right by, I didn't see it"...so you are telling me that you went through a DRIVE THRU...you didn't notice the big sign with all the things we serve and the speaker with the voice asking you what you want...seriously??? If that is the case you should not be driving...I can here you explaining to the officer why you didn't notice those red flashing things and just drove through the intersection. Just the other day a man did this and when he got to the window he told me he "hates talking into the speaker things" I'm sorry, but if that is your problem get out of your car and come inside.

4) not knowing how to order your own drink. I am aware that starbucks drinks aren't the easiest things to order, but maybe if you are a first timer you should come inside the store, even in the drive thru we are happy to help you order if that is the case, but you have to trust us when we tell you a frappucino is a blended ice drink, and the hot drink is a cappucino. In most cases if you order a basic drink we can walk you through it to make it how you want it...with whip, extra shot, no foam...all that stuff. Or if you order your drink wrong you might notice that we typically say it the right way when we are repeating it to you...it's not that we are judging you or anything, it's really just so you know how to say it next time to get what you want...but what is annoying is for instance this man comes through every day and orders "I want 5 shots...in a venti cup...fill it up with hot water...about a inch and a half at the top" so when we repeat his order we say "ok, you want a venti americano with room and a extra shot" (which is actually also not the right way to say it either). But even though we have told him what it is called numerous times...he still orders it the same way...but besides that he is also just mean...he also never lets us finish the spiel.

5) if you are ordering more than 4 drinks...or more than 3 seperate orders in one car...you should come inside. The drive thru is designed for quickly making 1 drink at at time, 2 or 3 isn't really a problem, but too many more than that can start to cause problems...it just backs things up...and when you do seperate orders it's kinda the same thing...especially when the driver has the person in the backseat of their van shout the order.

6) not paying attention when we repeat your order to you at the window. We are not perfect things get out of order so that is why we say your order when you get to the window...but more often than not when we say the order a double tall latte...people just say "yeah" and then act shocked when we hand them a double tall latte when they ordered a grande mocha frappucino.

I'm sure there are a lot more...but I have to go :)

shakey=death?!

2008-04-30T20:41:00.000-05:00

So if you know me at all, at some time or another you have probably noticed that I am a little shakey most of the time. I don't know why, I don't know what causes it, and usually it isn't a problem at all. I get asked all the time if I have eaten, or if I'm nervous or even cold. It is normally only noticeable if I hold my hand up.

For some reason the last 2 days or so I have been more shakey than normal. I first noticed yesterday, but really didn't think about it. Then today through out the day it was getting to the point that normal things were getting hard to do...I had trouble putting my mascara back in it's tube, I had trouble putting the key in the door, I was holding my whole head up with my hand and had to quit because I was shaking too much. My charm bracelet is constantly clanging...I went to james avery today to add a charm I got for my birthday and I could barely arrange the charms. I went to get my nails done and the lady had to hold my hand still so she could paint them. I went most of the day without worrying too much about it...it can't be a big deal right?

Sometime this afternoon I began to slightly worry about it. I really don't think it's a big deal, but it is pretty weird. I don't think the fact that I watch discovery health helps too much...there are always shows on about people who start out with mundane symptoms and get told they are fine...it's just some little thing....then BAM..they find out they have a brain tumor or something.

I thought about calling the dr. But I really didn't want to, I still have bills from the last time, I don't want to start all over with another hospital stay.

So finally I decide to call the dr. that prescibed the medicine I am on...because my best guess is that the medicine is what is causing it. She asked me several questions, had my diet changed, had I had a lot of caffine, how was I sleeping, do I smoke...but none of those had changed. All she said was to stop taking one of the meds I was on...but that it was odd if it was that med because if you are going to have a side effect you have it when you first start taking it, not when you have been on it for almost 2 months.

The best way I can describe it is like I am physically having a panic attack..I feel like my heart is racing, I can't sit still, but I'm not panicking, I'm not worried about anything.

I'm probably just nurotic (sp?)...or I'm dying...I guess we'll see in a few days.

The Divorce Van

2008-04-30T19:20:00.000-05:00

So, I know divorce is quite common in this day and age...but is it really something that you woud get done in a van on the side of the road...much like how you might get a windshield fixed (if you are shady)...that is something that I think about everytime I get to the intersection of Hwy 6 and briar forest. I wish I had taken a picture...I go by there pretty much everyday, but it's a busy area, and I don't typically drive with my camera ready, maybe tomorrow I will make a point to.

Anyhoo, my point is this van...it sits on the corner in a gas station parking lot proclaiming for the world to see that they do quick and easy divorces. There is so much I want to know about this whole process seeing as I have never been married, thus not had too much use for a divorce... But I want to know if people actually go this route...there have been so many times I have considered stopping by that gas station just to get a glimpse of how this process works, but I am usually on my way to do something else when I pass it.

I just don't understand exactly how a legitimate divorce works...let alone a shady one. Like most of the adults in America my own parents are divorced, but I guess it's not one of those things they show you while it's happening so that you will know how to when you have to go through it one day.

I mean I know papers get filed, things get split...I vaguely remember the court house being involved when I was little...but when you get divorced in a van...do both people have to go? perhaps you hop in the van and go serve the papers in the divorce van.

How do they guarentee that they can make the process quick and easy. Do they have a song and dance routine that they do to ease the pain that your marriage is falling apart? Do they immediately take you for a ride in the van to pick up a new husband/ wife? Maybe they drug you and you don't remember that you were ever married to begin with.

I just don't think a divorce is something you can cut corners on. I dunno, wouldn't it suck if you went to this divorce van to get a divorce, you do every thing perfectly, and you are legitimately single again...until you go to get remarried to find all that time that you were actually still married and now attempting to be a polygamist. I mean I guess I enjoy a bargain as much as the next person...but I strongly believe sometimes you have to pay more for quality...and this is one of those times I don't think you should pinch pennies.

Maybe I'm a snob...maybe this is a completely normal way to go about getting a divorce and I'm just a snob who insists on getting her divorces at a courthouse. I guess now I just need to get married so I can get my first divorce to find out.

Just the 5 of us

2008-04-27T21:03:00.000-05:00

I'm going to preface this with, this is not going to be funny...it's going to be sappy and sentimental. It probably isn't going to make sense unless you are, or have been a phi lamb officer.

I'm sitting in my room. As I look around there aren't too many remnants of my time in phi lamb. In the corner under a blanket I can see part of the clear bag we got from officer retreat, I can't see it, but I know that in the doorway of my room there is a picture of the 5 of us. I know that my drawers are filled with numerous t shirts that prove the 3 years I was in phi lamb. I know that if I were to look in my email inbox there would still be emails saved saying congratulations, and get excited. I can't believe that all of this is from 3 years ago. I have noticed on facebook, the newsfeed telling me of various pictures from closing ceremonies. As another phi lamb year is ending...another is beginning. I remember this time, 3 years ago beginning an amazing journey I would never forget, with 4 precious girls that I will love forever.

It was 3 years ago, in a wednesday night meeting at the beginning of April, the 5 of us were anxious about the outcome of the night. Everyone walked in, votes were taken and collected, the previous 5 main came and stood before us with the results...I was the first one put out of my misery, before the votes could even be counted it was announced that I was the only one running for secretary, thus winning by default. One by one our officer team would be formed...Becky would be treasurer, Erin would be chaplain, Kacy would be VP (double d), and Jill was president. I remember forming a small sircle in the center of the room, putting our arms around eachother and praying for the first time as the "new 5 main".

We jumped right into our roles. Starting chair interviews practically immediatly. These were 4 amazing women, women I love and respect with all my heart. We were all so different, I think we truly brought out the best in eachother. Our strengths and weaknesses all very different, but as one officer team we faced every decision that had to be made.

When I think back so many memories fill my head, it would be impossible to name them all...our camping trip, the angry girl music on our way to officer retreat, starting and ending every sentence with "get excited", telling someone we were interviewing to see how much cotton candy she could shove in her mouth, the others groaning when Jill and I insisted on dancing to "all I need", staying up until 2 am making up songs, going to sams with 3 cars, and still barely having enough room for all the cokes for presence, having a kool-aid chugging contest, trying to convince the other chapters at retreat that side ponytails were awesome.

There are so many amazing memories, I have been trying to remember the bad parts, but I honestly can't. I know we had hard times, I know I wanted to quit at times, I know I felt unimportant and unloved at times, I know I questioned Gods purpose for having me there...but each and everytime one of those was the case we loved eachother and pulled eachother out of it.

I think the thing that makes me saddest is thinking about how far we have come since then. That year I can honestly say was a significant time in all of our lives. It's not that I wish to go back to that time, or that I am sad about the women we have become, but that I feel like I took that precious time for granted. As I look at these pictures of the newest 5 main, I think about the beginning, the unknown feeling, the excitement, the fears. But I am so encouraged by it too...to know that God has a specific purpose for each of the new 5 main, to know that just as God knit us together in our mothers womb...He also appointed these 5 girls to lead an amazing organization to further his glory, to use their strengths and weaknesses to his purpose.

As I think about Jill, Kacy, Erin and Becky...I just want to say thank you for one of the most fullfilling years of my life. Thank you for your beautiful examples of how to share your lives with others. Thank you for showing me grace in serving. Thank you for helping me understand God's love by showing it to me and the rest of the sorority. These are all some of the most important life lessons, and I am completely speechless that I had the opportunity to learn them along side you.

blonde moments...fat kids...bangs

2008-04-27T18:20:00.000-05:00

true story...as a young child I had blonde hair. While for the most part I have grown out of the blonde hair and have had brown hair as long as I can remember, I think some part of me deep inside has held on to the blonde in me.

Ok, so I was getting ready for work this morning, I had a few moments to spare so I compulsively checked my myspace...I glanced at the part that says what your friends have been doing (you know the stalky thingy) and it said "Stephanie has added photos to her Hawaii album" I thought for a minute (keep in mind it was 4 am)...Why would Stephanie be adding Hawaii pictures now...she hasn't been in years. The weird part is that my sister is currently in Florida (unless she lied to me and is actually in Hawaii)...I looked at the pictures closer and noticed one was of a couple kissing... surely that is not my sister I thought to myself...well...it was not my biological sister, but my phi lamb grand little sis who also bears the name Stephanie.

Apparently I say odd things at 4 am... My friend at work Mary reminded me the other day of how one time we were opening and talking about one of my favorite subjects...Keeping up with the Kardashians. Well everyone was talking about Khloe and referring to her as "the fat one:"...when apparently (I have no recollection of this) I said "stop calling her fat, not everyone can help it if they are the bigger sister"

Speaking of being the fat sister, I just got home from Chilis...I thought when I was ordering "I feel like being semi healthy...today I want a blackbean burger" a generally healthy choice, at least a lot better than the decisions I tend to make...Oh but wait...I added cheese, removed pickles and onions, and french fries instead of vegetables...oh well you win some you lose some.

I've been thinking a lot about changes. I was sitting at the mall the other day...watching people walk by while sister was finishing her mani. I have never considered myself hugely trendy...in fact I'm usually a season or 2 behind. It takes me a while to warm up to new fashion ideas. I was thinking about it and I distinctly remember in 7th grade when I made the declaration that I would always have bangs...I decided that my forehead was too big for me to ever lose the bangs. Well some time between then and early high school I lost the bangs...it was a slow progression (that I blame soley on Jennifer Aniston) the layers got longer and longer until the front that was formerly bangs grew into a layer near my chin. Until bangs were so 1995...and I balked at the fact that I ever had them. As I grew older I think I grew less tolerable of change...I remember as a college student saying "ugh, I can't believe bangs are coming back...who does that?" Before I knew it my bangs were again getting shorter and shorter...until I am now writing this with a swoop bang much like most of the population that is my age.

I promise I am going somewhere with all of this mundane talk about my hair...it made me realize what a jerk I can be sometimes. I wouldn't go as far to say that I am judgemental...because I feel like I am fairly open minded...but I do think I am a hypocrite...I mean I'm using the hair thing as an example...but why is it lame when I am not one of the ones doing something....then it becomes more ok as I cross the line and find myself doing the same thing I once made fun of.

i dislike cvs...

2008-04-25T10:59:00.000-05:00

So, I really don't like drug stores, I don't really know what it is, they just feel skeezy to me. I avoid them for the most part. So imagine my dissapointment when I woke up this morning and realized I would probably need to go to one.

Today started out...not like most, I got to sleep in. But thanks to Starbucks, I now wake up hungry when I sleep past 4 am...so I woke up around 9...starving. I rolled over and reached for my remote control to watch a little regis and kelly before getting up and finding food. I hit the power button and nothing. This has been a common problem lately, apparently my remote control drains batteries, we don't have any batteries...and I have already switched the remote batteries with virtually every other appliance with batteries in my house...so I manage to turn the tv on using the other remote...but it was on E!. That would normally not be a problem, I love E! and even with a functioning remote would leave it on E! for hours...but not this morning...it was the E! true hollywood story of Tyra Banks. So I force myself up...good thing I was hungry...I get minimally dressed, which basically means changing t-shirts and shorts for a different t shirt and shorts, put my hair in a pony tail brush my teeth and head out.

I decided I wanted panera for breakfast, a chocolate chip bagel with rasberry cream cheese (hey, it's the day after my birthday...I can still eat what I want). On the way there I was thinking about where I would go to get batteries, I don't live near a target, my first choice...walmart isn't too far, but not really on my way...and I don't really like going to walmart..especially for 1 thing...when I passed a cvs...I don't like drug stores, but it seemed like the best option for just running in and getting 2 things (I had also decided I needed a dr. pepper).

So I go in...drug stores have a distinct smell...I don't know what it is, cheap merchandise mixed with prescriptions maybe. Luckily batteries are right when you walk in...so I grabbed some. I wasthen compelled to walk around a bit. I don't know where that came from, I normally hate browsing, I'm a go get what you need and out kinda girl. Maybe it is something they put in the air...part of that weird smell perhaps it is laced with something. So I walk towards the drinks but walking slowly so that I don't miss anything I may or may not need walking by. One thing I noticed was pomegranite 7 up...SICK!!! I don't love 7 up to begin with, probably because I equate it with being sick like every other kid in america to was made to drink it when they were sick...and I have always been a little grossed out by this new trend to add flavors to various drinks, but if people enjoy vanilla, cherry, lemon...whatever added to their drink I'm not here to judge...but POMIGRANITE!? So I make it to the drink case manage to get a normal dr. pepper (don't worry I checked twice) and start toward the register...with candy stratigically placed to the right. I glanced over, I can usually resist...especially at 9:30 am...but for whatever reason I decided I NEEDED york peppermint patties (which I am enjoying as I write this) . So I wait to pay, feeling only minimally duped by cvs...I mean, I got what I needed, with only 1 extra item...so I still felt like I had my dignity, until I set my stuff on the counter...I glanced to the right...where I saw it in all it's glory, the jumbo people crossword puzzle book. it might as well have had a beam of light shining on it. I snatched it up before the old man standing behind me could even think about perhaps grabbing it for himself. So slightly ashamed but mostly excited at the prospect of spending the rest of my day doing crossword puzzles about celebrities...I pay my $23 and leave.

Then I got back in my car and reazlied what had just happened...I just paid $10 for a crossword puzzle book...thatI would probably do 2-3 puzzles today...then the book would wind up shoved under my bed until I have to clean it out because I'm looking for a shoe that I haven't seen in months...and then promptly gets put in another pile of useless stuff never to be seen again.

Who am I ?!...

welcome back

2008-04-22T19:59:00.000-05:00

I kinda hate myseld for getting sucked back into the world of blogging. I thought I was better than that, but nope, here I am. I am not convinced I am ready for a renewed blog commitment, but I guess I'll never know unless I try. Really, over the last week or so I have had a few conversations about blogging, or my lack there of, so here I go.

I stopped originally because I just never felt like I had anything to say...I don't know if that has really changed, but I think about lots of crazy things and sometimes I like feedback.

Like for starters, lately I have been having weird dreams...one night I had a dream I was a barista at chilis, and I was mad that I still had to wear khaki pants while the people who worked at chilis could wear jeans. Another time I had a dream that a friend of mine was forcing me to live with her husbands parents in New Braunfels...there is lots of weird stuff, but I don't really remember my dreams unless I think about it when I wake up. A few days ago I had a dream about iced green tea...which compelled me to try it the next day...I prefer passion tea.

And can we talk about why today was the most innapropriate day in the drive thru...I got called "baby", "sweetheart", "cutie", and "honey" all by various older men...not only is it creepy when it is old men...but I don't like pet names in general.

I think that is all for now...I'm going to bed