Not ready to make nice

"I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should"
-Dixie Chicks

I'm pretty sure I've used this title before, but what can you do, sometimes a song just says things better than I can.

I am not going to lie, I pretty much abandoned my blog...as I've said before the constant "I can't say this because _______ might read it" just got exhausting and by the time I edit myself it loses all meaning. All of that now to say I'm pretty sure there aren't many people reading this, which is fine, I think it's more for me to write anyway...and if by chance someone else reads it...cool... I guess.

I'm so worn out and exhausted, which is weird because I haven't been to work since Friday. All I usually want from life is a break, and now that I have it, I am miserable. Maybe not as miserable as the situation that brought me to this place, but not much better.

Long story short...if thats even possible in this situation, I'm on a week long break from work, a situation got wayyyy out of control, I wound up having a breakdown and my dr wound up ordering time off...which coincidentally I have next week off for vacation, but thats just a coincidence...believe me if I was going to get an extra week of vacation this is NOT how I would spend it.

I don't think people realize how physical the symptoms of a anxiety attack can be. Like I said I'm worn out, I haven't been eating... I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything. You would think that having just had a week off my house would be spotless, but most days I don't even have the energy to get out of bed, let alone do anything productive...so I'm embarrased to say it's worse than normal.

I actually started this blog on monday I think, maybe tuesday. Since then I have resolved myself to be better. I came to the conclusion that sitting around being sad was not going to help anything, so I've gotten out of the house.

Not to say that I'm not still mad, I'm not still frustrated...because I am...but there is no point worrying now. I'm sure sometime before I go back to work that will be harder.

Right now I just have to go one day at a time, luckily I'm about to be busier...I'm hitting crunch time for packing and what not. I'm dreading going back to work...I miss my job, but I'm afraid that I'm entering into the same situation I left. Not only that but I have to come back and prove myself to my co workers. I know it sucks that I've been gone...I would have been mad if they had done it, I just wish I could convey that 1) it wasn't my choice/decision 2) it wasn't an easy out.

Emotional

"Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing always easy, but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional"
-Diana Degarmo

So, if you know me at all you would know in general I am not a very emotional person. I generally stay calm, I don't cry much, even when I'm angry I can usually just hold it in and vent later. I get worked up, but usually I just need a good vent session every once and a while and I'm good.

So, If you have met me or seen me recently...you know all of what I just said hasn't been true lately. I cry at the drop of a hat, I am pretty generally stressed out ALL the time, I have caught myself being rude to friends and strangers.

It's just not me...and that makes it all the harder, it is so frustratingly hard to not feel like yourself. Especially when I have glimpses of my old self. I don't know what is wrong with me. Ultimately I think I'm just unhappy, and I think I even know what I need to do to fix it, but that is a terrifying step in and of itself. I really hate the unknown.

I don't know what would be easier...rewinding or fast forwarding...all I know is I hate where I am.