change.?

Maybe I'm melencholy from watching One Tree Hill all day...maybe all of the dialogues got to me and I felt like having a high school soap opera moment, Maybe it's the end of the year holiday season and new years impending that causes reflecting. Maybe it's the procrastinating studying for the pharmacology test I have tomorrow, maybe it's the cold medicine...



I've been thinking about the last year. How hard it's been, how I feel like I am always striving to change things. Isn't that what everyone spends their life doing? I feel like there is some conundrum, some how things are always changing so much so fast...but meanwhile...not at all. I feel like a broken record, like all I ever do is wait to move onto the "next step", but then again once I reach that proverbial "next step"...I'm still not happy...but I will be when I get to the "next step".



I've been thinking about how I keep changing circumstances, I mean if there is one thing I'm not afraid of and the "c" word is not it...think about it, in the last 5 years I have lived in San Marcos, Ft. Worth, and Houston. I've quit school and gone back to school, quit again and changed my career path, I have been a nanny for 2 different families, a barista, camp counselor, camp nurse asst. I've hung out with people constantly, I have spent nights at home by myself. I've changed what I want to be when I grow up...but has any of that really changed me?



I still feel like the same person. The same person who loves the color pink, hates peas, likes to just sit outside and feel the sun on my skin, gets excited when I see mail with a hand written address because that means it's not a bill, who hates running late, who loves the squeeze when you let go of someones hand. I mean surely I am not the same but I can't really think of anything that different other than the circumstantial.



I'm still the same person grasping at happiness. A few years ago I took a test, it was a personality test. The person giving the test said that one of the main drawback of my personality type is "that I would have the tendacy to let life pass me by". Those words have haunted me from that day. I wanted to prove her wrong. Maybe that is why I change so frequently...in an effort to change myself...but so far it's all been in vain. Which leads me back to my point now of whether it is really possible to change who I am.



Some of you know this and some don't but I've decided it's not worth hiding anymore...I have a therapist (she's pretty awesome too)...I have for a while now...probably not a shock to most. Anyhoo, we go back and forth on this subject a lot. She says a person can change...but they have to want to change. I can't say I want to change but stay in the same patterns . I just can't figure it out though...


As I'm writing this, and really what prompted this I am thinking about what has happened in the last year, the good, the bad, the really hard...and how I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into the exact same pattern again. I mean I would like to say that I am different, that I would make different choices....but am I, would I? Thats what is so confusing to me about this whole thing.

I guess you can't go your whole life fearing that you are going to repeat history. Thats why we have history isn't it? So we can learn from our mistakes and as lindsey likes to say "...and move on". I think thats where I'm stuck...the and move on part...I haven't. I don't know how.

and thats the scary part.

cheaters never win

So apparently I've become more assertive than I realized in my old age. I got into at school...again.

I am so mad though. You see what happened was that we had a test yesterday. A test that I got an 80 on...it was really hard though, so that 80 hard to get. Well a pretty big chunk of the class wasn't there for whatever reason. So anyhoo, we got to look at our tests to see what we got after we took them, but we were supposed to turn them back in because of the chunk of the class that hadn't taken the test yet. So this morning in class imagine the surprise of me and the girl sitting next to me (who had taken the test yesterday) that the girls sitting across from us were looking at that very test (they were not there yesterday).

So the other girl said she was going to tell that they had it because it just isn't fair that we struggled to barely get good grades and they don't even show up and they get a's. So I supported her in that because it's true. So during our break she told the teacher whose test it was....apparently she went immediately to the person the test belonged to and gave him a 0. So when it got to the other girls they started going off and saying how we are supposed to have our classmates backs and that whoever told was a snitch. They kept going on about it, and purposely talking loud...I guess they thought it was me that told...and I didn't really care. Finally Erika (the other girl) told them it wasn't fair that we studied and they were going to cheat. They made up some story about how they "assumed" that they were going to be taking another test and were simply looking at it. So I called them on that and asked if the teacher had given them the very test they were looking at would they have told that they already saw the test...her answer was "would you" I told her yes...I don't need to cheat, I earn my own grades. To that she just said yeah right. So I was pissed that SHE was going to cheat but she was trying to call me a cheater. Then more talking went back and forth and she started mimicking my voice (although I hadn't said anything else) so I got mad and left class because then I was mad that the teacher whose class we were in was letting them attack me like that when I didn't do anything but ask 1 question. On my way out I stopped to tell the teacher whose test it was that I was leaving and she went in the class we were in and confronted them. To which cheater girl made this huge speech about how she would NEVER cheat, regardless of what "we" (basically me) thinks...so I brought up the point again that she herself said that if she had gotten the same test she would not have told she had the answers...but she blew that off in front of the teacher.

It just makes me mad. I am not a good student, I have never been a quick learner, I have managed to make straight a's because I am trying really hard. I am also really tired of people saying that they have kids, or they have jobs. I have a job, I am really fortunate that I get time off when I need it and that they work with my schedule, but I have a job...and other things going on in my life. It is NOT my fault other people have kids, I'm sorry, but it is not fair that because they have kids, or they have a job that they should get answers handed to them.

Just last week I have been (and actually am still) sick, I missed 2 days of school, I went to school one of the days just long enough to take a test so I wouldn't miss it, but I did miss a quiz. I came to school monday, I didn't even ask anyone else what was on that quiz...I took it and got the grade I earned...I could have asked around what questions were on the quiz, but that is cheating to me...I know I can't hold everyone to my own moral standards (that sounds like I think really highly of myself...sorry thats not how I mean it) but the field I'm going into is competitive, so I'm not ok with people coasting by and making the same grade as me. Besides, Medical assistants work in every dr. office, including the one you go to. They are the ones that give shots, take blood, explain your prescriptions to you...so do you really want to worry that you have a MA that barely passed, or cheated their way through school?

UGH...I'm taking nyquil.

probably top 10 worst weeks ever

So, shelfgate 08...it turned out...I never was intended to get new shelves, I had the right shelves all along. But I didn't find that out until THURSDAY...now if you are keeping track, I was notified monday, told the new shelves were going in tuesday...so I kept libby in her crate literally ALL day (I left for school at 7:30am and kept her in until I came home from work at 8 that night). When I came home and there were not new shelves I said screw it and continued keeping Libby in the bathroom and decided she would now be the maintance mans problem since they didn't come when promised. Thursday, I got a phonecall because I needed to move my car so they could paint, and only then when I asked when/if I was getting new shelves I was told "oh yeah, we were going to call about that, you already have the right shelves"...keep in mind that she almost let me hang up before she even told me that, I had to say hang on I have another question.

Then today. ohhh today. Well lately libby has been pretty well behaved, so I had started leaving her in my bathroom instead of the crate, it seemed to be good, and I was pretty sure she usually slept most of the time while I was gone. Well today I went to work at the usual saturday morning opening time of 4:45am. Libby even surprised me by going into the bathroom on her own, no chasing her under my bed or having to take her for a walk and pick her up before we could even walk in the door so that I could lock her in the bathroom. Well, I came home from work fully intending to turn around and take her to the dog park to reward her for all this now found good behavior...until I walked in the bathroom and noticed a chunk the size of my hand missing from the wall...thats right LIBBY ATE THE WALL!!! I have heard of people with larger dogs having this problem, but I don't really consider Libby a large dog...I mean she is 16 pounds. I partially blame myself, I should have kept her in the crate, but I had no reason to think she might eat the wall. I should take a picture to post, but I really don't want to document this. In all fairness, there is not a actual hole...but she was well on her way to making one and I'm not really into waiting until she does. So, I have to give Libby away. She is at my moms right now while I try to find her a new family.
this sucks.

these shelves better be awesome...

So I finally finished unpacking. I wound up not having Libby so it seemed like the most logical decision. I mean, I have almost lived here for 4 months now, and I don't really see life slowing down any time soon. Unfortunately most of the "unpacking" just consisted of pulling what I need or want out out of boxes and stocking the rest in my closet until I can figure out what to do with it. If you have ever seen my closet you would know that a majority of my earthly possesions come in the form of clothing. Thankfully sister had done the closet when she was here right after I moved...I'm not sure if it would ever have been done otherwise.



So I was feeling good, I was happy and and had finally moved on to the next step on the list (which includes getting the odds and ends I still need).

Until today...when I had to go meet my mom to pick up Libby. There was a note taped to my door. It said "we are replacing the shelves in the closets Tuesday November 18, please have all shelves cleared and remove anything hanging" ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? Were they WAITING for me to put practically everything I own into that closet. Luckily I hadn't thrown the boxes away yet, so I had no choice but to throw things back into the boxes I had unpacked not 24 hours earlier.

I'm kinda annoyed with the whole situation. These new shelves better be amazing...as in they hang the clothes on themselves. My apartments aren't even 4 months old...I don't understand what caused this sudden and apparently urgent change in shelves.

Besides all that I just finished researching dog day cares, I feel really bad because I JUST got Libby from my mom, and now she is going to have to be in the crate all day tomorrow. Lately I have been keeping Libby in my bathroom so she has room to walk around and play if she wants to...but I can't because if people are going to be in my apartment working, she has to be in the crate, because my bathroom and my closet are attatched (you have to walk through my bathroom to get to my closet). But dog day care is crazy...1)there are NONE anywhere near my apartment 2) they are a bit creepy...I seriously felt like I was researching day care for children. They talked about how important it is to drop your dog and go, fitting in, packing lunch, nap time, pup to trainer ratios, web cams, if your dog gets sick...sadly I would totally do it, but most require a consult to decide if your dog will be ok...and I don't have time to do it tomorrow before school.

hodge podge

I'm supposed to be cleaning...it lasted about an hour and now I'm over it. Libby is at my Mom's, I got home yesterday but I haven't gone to get her yet, I'm thinking about holding out until tomorrow, in case I get the urge to clean some more...it's not really possible with her around.

In my cleaning spree I am doing laundry. Not so bad, but I washed all my jeans in one load, made sense until I realized I was hungry and couldn't leave to get anything to eat until my jeans were dry.

Tomorrow I start a new "mod" (month of school...basically like a semester, we get all new classes), I'm excited, I can't believe I already am on my 3rd month...6 more to go...crazy! We also get a new teacher, up until now my little class has only had 3 different teachers...now they are throwing a man into the mix...we'll see if he can handle us I guess. I also hear he is a little harder. I am ready for it, I just hope the rest of the class is...up until now they have been babied, so we'll see.

It's finally cold outside, I just turned my ac off today, now I'm anxious to see my electric bill to see it go down.

Oh wow, I'm lame

Ignorance is so last week...

So, I got in a fight at school today (not physical)...I know...very unlike me. Heres what happened.

In one of my classes the topic of the election came up. I generally keep my mouth shut when it comes to controversal topics, but today I had enough. The people in my class just kept making invalid or ignorant comments...There are only 8 people in this specific class and I am the only white person. One of the comments for example was "gas prices are already going down since obama has won" last time I checked Bush was still president, and so Obama winning has nothing to do with gas prices...besides they have been going down for the last 3-4 weeks...also having nothing to do with the election. Someone also said Obama wasn't born in America, making it amazing he overcame to be president...Umm...He was born in Hawaii...a US state, and isn't it a law that to be president you have to be born here? Were these people sleeping in 4th grade social studies?

The thing that sent me over the edge was... comments that McCain is going to die soon...I have hated these comments from the beginning...especially because they are often coupled with thoughts that Obama is going to be assasinated...really people?! Anyhoo, This girl in my class made a statement that white people are out to get Obama...it made me so mad that she could make such a gross generalization...and especially because I have grown up in a world where if I ever considered making a generalization about another race that I would be racist. So when that happened I turned around and shot her a dirty look, but didn't say anything. After that she would only say "the other race" is not happy...it doesn't make it any better to just not say white people when we all know thats what you mean...besides black and white are not the only races. Meanwhile the entire class is agreeing including my teacher who added that if McCain died we would be stuck with Palin who is stupid. I remained silent throughout the rest of the class.
We all have the same classes, so when it was time to go on to the next class I just ignored everyone...we all know I am a pro about bottling my emotions. In our next class we are grouped with another class, so when we got there and the same girl started talking to me like nothing was wrong I looked at her and said "are you sure you want to talk to me because I'm white?" She got mad, and asked what I was talking about...so I told her exactly...then she got mad because I said it in front of other people. It's not my fault she asked me...and I was mad I wasn't thinking rationally.
On a side note, I was also hurt because I am so nice to this girl...I take her to pick up her son then I take them home everyday, which I think is part of the reason I was so hurt by her saying all that about white people... Anyhoo, so we go through the first half of class, in this class we have 2 teachers...the one who was with us in the last class and another one. We we studying for a test we were about to have, when the teacher that was not involved came and asked if I felt ok...I said I was fine...and she moved on...I think I scared her because she was implying that I was physically sick but when I answered her she realized I was angry. Then the teacher that was involved came over to me and told me not to be mad...that she had already talked to the other girl and told her to apologize...with that I started to cry...it's what I do when I get angry.
Well, the girl saw me crying and so she came over and pulled me out so we could talk. I told why I was so angry, that I had done nothing to deserve such a generalization. She apologized she didn't understand it being a big deal. My teacher kept saying it was because they felt so comfortable with me that they don't notice that I am sitting there...which I think is bs...because whether or not I was sitting there I don't believe it is fair to say all of any race is one way or another.
I am still pretty mad.