change.?

Maybe I'm melencholy from watching One Tree Hill all day...maybe all of the dialogues got to me and I felt like having a high school soap opera moment, Maybe it's the end of the year holiday season and new years impending that causes reflecting. Maybe it's the procrastinating studying for the pharmacology test I have tomorrow, maybe it's the cold medicine...



I've been thinking about the last year. How hard it's been, how I feel like I am always striving to change things. Isn't that what everyone spends their life doing? I feel like there is some conundrum, some how things are always changing so much so fast...but meanwhile...not at all. I feel like a broken record, like all I ever do is wait to move onto the "next step", but then again once I reach that proverbial "next step"...I'm still not happy...but I will be when I get to the "next step".



I've been thinking about how I keep changing circumstances, I mean if there is one thing I'm not afraid of and the "c" word is not it...think about it, in the last 5 years I have lived in San Marcos, Ft. Worth, and Houston. I've quit school and gone back to school, quit again and changed my career path, I have been a nanny for 2 different families, a barista, camp counselor, camp nurse asst. I've hung out with people constantly, I have spent nights at home by myself. I've changed what I want to be when I grow up...but has any of that really changed me?



I still feel like the same person. The same person who loves the color pink, hates peas, likes to just sit outside and feel the sun on my skin, gets excited when I see mail with a hand written address because that means it's not a bill, who hates running late, who loves the squeeze when you let go of someones hand. I mean surely I am not the same but I can't really think of anything that different other than the circumstantial.



I'm still the same person grasping at happiness. A few years ago I took a test, it was a personality test. The person giving the test said that one of the main drawback of my personality type is "that I would have the tendacy to let life pass me by". Those words have haunted me from that day. I wanted to prove her wrong. Maybe that is why I change so frequently...in an effort to change myself...but so far it's all been in vain. Which leads me back to my point now of whether it is really possible to change who I am.



Some of you know this and some don't but I've decided it's not worth hiding anymore...I have a therapist (she's pretty awesome too)...I have for a while now...probably not a shock to most. Anyhoo, we go back and forth on this subject a lot. She says a person can change...but they have to want to change. I can't say I want to change but stay in the same patterns . I just can't figure it out though...


As I'm writing this, and really what prompted this I am thinking about what has happened in the last year, the good, the bad, the really hard...and how I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into the exact same pattern again. I mean I would like to say that I am different, that I would make different choices....but am I, would I? Thats what is so confusing to me about this whole thing.

I guess you can't go your whole life fearing that you are going to repeat history. Thats why we have history isn't it? So we can learn from our mistakes and as lindsey likes to say "...and move on". I think thats where I'm stuck...the and move on part...I haven't. I don't know how.

and thats the scary part.