Wednesday, April 30, 2008

shakey=death?!

So if you know me at all, at some time or another you have probably noticed that I am a little shakey most of the time. I don't know why, I don't know what causes it, and usually it isn't a problem at all. I get asked all the time if I have eaten, or if I'm nervous or even cold. It is normally only noticeable if I hold my hand up.

For some reason the last 2 days or so I have been more shakey than normal. I first noticed yesterday, but really didn't think about it. Then today through out the day it was getting to the point that normal things were getting hard to do...I had trouble putting my mascara back in it's tube, I had trouble putting the key in the door, I was holding my whole head up with my hand and had to quit because I was shaking too much. My charm bracelet is constantly clanging...I went to james avery today to add a charm I got for my birthday and I could barely arrange the charms. I went to get my nails done and the lady had to hold my hand still so she could paint them. I went most of the day without worrying too much about it...it can't be a big deal right?

Sometime this afternoon I began to slightly worry about it. I really don't think it's a big deal, but it is pretty weird. I don't think the fact that I watch discovery health helps too much...there are always shows on about people who start out with mundane symptoms and get told they are fine...it's just some little thing....then BAM..they find out they have a brain tumor or something.

I thought about calling the dr. But I really didn't want to, I still have bills from the last time, I don't want to start all over with another hospital stay.

So finally I decide to call the dr. that prescibed the medicine I am on...because my best guess is that the medicine is what is causing it. She asked me several questions, had my diet changed, had I had a lot of caffine, how was I sleeping, do I smoke...but none of those had changed. All she said was to stop taking one of the meds I was on...but that it was odd if it was that med because if you are going to have a side effect you have it when you first start taking it, not when you have been on it for almost 2 months.

The best way I can describe it is like I am physically having a panic attack..I feel like my heart is racing, I can't sit still, but I'm not panicking, I'm not worried about anything.

I'm probably just nurotic (sp?)...or I'm dying...I guess we'll see in a few days.

The Divorce Van

So, I know divorce is quite common in this day and age...but is it really something that you woud get done in a van on the side of the road...much like how you might get a windshield fixed (if you are shady)...that is something that I think about everytime I get to the intersection of Hwy 6 and briar forest. I wish I had taken a picture...I go by there pretty much everyday, but it's a busy area, and I don't typically drive with my camera ready, maybe tomorrow I will make a point to.

Anyhoo, my point is this van...it sits on the corner in a gas station parking lot proclaiming for the world to see that they do quick and easy divorces. There is so much I want to know about this whole process seeing as I have never been married, thus not had too much use for a divorce... But I want to know if people actually go this route...there have been so many times I have considered stopping by that gas station just to get a glimpse of how this process works, but I am usually on my way to do something else when I pass it.

I just don't understand exactly how a legitimate divorce works...let alone a shady one. Like most of the adults in America my own parents are divorced, but I guess it's not one of those things they show you while it's happening so that you will know how to when you have to go through it one day.

I mean I know papers get filed, things get split...I vaguely remember the court house being involved when I was little...but when you get divorced in a van...do both people have to go? perhaps you hop in the van and go serve the papers in the divorce van.

How do they guarentee that they can make the process quick and easy. Do they have a song and dance routine that they do to ease the pain that your marriage is falling apart? Do they immediately take you for a ride in the van to pick up a new husband/ wife? Maybe they drug you and you don't remember that you were ever married to begin with.

I just don't think a divorce is something you can cut corners on. I dunno, wouldn't it suck if you went to this divorce van to get a divorce, you do every thing perfectly, and you are legitimately single again...until you go to get remarried to find all that time that you were actually still married and now attempting to be a polygamist. I mean I guess I enjoy a bargain as much as the next person...but I strongly believe sometimes you have to pay more for quality...and this is one of those times I don't think you should pinch pennies.

Maybe I'm a snob...maybe this is a completely normal way to go about getting a divorce and I'm just a snob who insists on getting her divorces at a courthouse. I guess now I just need to get married so I can get my first divorce to find out.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Just the 5 of us

I'm going to preface this with, this is not going to be funny...it's going to be sappy and sentimental. It probably isn't going to make sense unless you are, or have been a phi lamb officer.

I'm sitting in my room. As I look around there aren't too many remnants of my time in phi lamb. In the corner under a blanket I can see part of the clear bag we got from officer retreat, I can't see it, but I know that in the doorway of my room there is a picture of the 5 of us. I know that my drawers are filled with numerous t shirts that prove the 3 years I was in phi lamb. I know that if I were to look in my email inbox there would still be emails saved saying congratulations, and get excited. I can't believe that all of this is from 3 years ago. I have noticed on facebook, the newsfeed telling me of various pictures from closing ceremonies. As another phi lamb year is ending...another is beginning. I remember this time, 3 years ago beginning an amazing journey I would never forget, with 4 precious girls that I will love forever.

It was 3 years ago, in a wednesday night meeting at the beginning of April, the 5 of us were anxious about the outcome of the night. Everyone walked in, votes were taken and collected, the previous 5 main came and stood before us with the results...I was the first one put out of my misery, before the votes could even be counted it was announced that I was the only one running for secretary, thus winning by default. One by one our officer team would be formed...Becky would be treasurer, Erin would be chaplain, Kacy would be VP (double d), and Jill was president. I remember forming a small sircle in the center of the room, putting our arms around eachother and praying for the first time as the "new 5 main".

We jumped right into our roles. Starting chair interviews practically immediatly. These were 4 amazing women, women I love and respect with all my heart. We were all so different, I think we truly brought out the best in eachother. Our strengths and weaknesses all very different, but as one officer team we faced every decision that had to be made.

When I think back so many memories fill my head, it would be impossible to name them all...our camping trip, the angry girl music on our way to officer retreat, starting and ending every sentence with "get excited", telling someone we were interviewing to see how much cotton candy she could shove in her mouth, the others groaning when Jill and I insisted on dancing to "all I need", staying up until 2 am making up songs, going to sams with 3 cars, and still barely having enough room for all the cokes for presence, having a kool-aid chugging contest, trying to convince the other chapters at retreat that side ponytails were awesome.

There are so many amazing memories, I have been trying to remember the bad parts, but I honestly can't. I know we had hard times, I know I wanted to quit at times, I know I felt unimportant and unloved at times, I know I questioned Gods purpose for having me there...but each and everytime one of those was the case we loved eachother and pulled eachother out of it.

I think the thing that makes me saddest is thinking about how far we have come since then. That year I can honestly say was a significant time in all of our lives. It's not that I wish to go back to that time, or that I am sad about the women we have become, but that I feel like I took that precious time for granted. As I look at these pictures of the newest 5 main, I think about the beginning, the unknown feeling, the excitement, the fears. But I am so encouraged by it too...to know that God has a specific purpose for each of the new 5 main, to know that just as God knit us together in our mothers womb...He also appointed these 5 girls to lead an amazing organization to further his glory, to use their strengths and weaknesses to his purpose.

As I think about Jill, Kacy, Erin and Becky...I just want to say thank you for one of the most fullfilling years of my life. Thank you for your beautiful examples of how to share your lives with others. Thank you for showing me grace in serving. Thank you for helping me understand God's love by showing it to me and the rest of the sorority. These are all some of the most important life lessons, and I am completely speechless that I had the opportunity to learn them along side you.

blonde moments...fat kids...bangs

true story...as a young child I had blonde hair. While for the most part I have grown out of the blonde hair and have had brown hair as long as I can remember, I think some part of me deep inside has held on to the blonde in me.

Ok, so I was getting ready for work this morning, I had a few moments to spare so I compulsively checked my myspace...I glanced at the part that says what your friends have been doing (you know the stalky thingy) and it said "Stephanie has added photos to her Hawaii album" I thought for a minute (keep in mind it was 4 am)...Why would Stephanie be adding Hawaii pictures now...she hasn't been in years. The weird part is that my sister is currently in Florida (unless she lied to me and is actually in Hawaii)...I looked at the pictures closer and noticed one was of a couple kissing... surely that is not my sister I thought to myself...well...it was not my biological sister, but my phi lamb grand little sis who also bears the name Stephanie.

Apparently I say odd things at 4 am... My friend at work Mary reminded me the other day of how one time we were opening and talking about one of my favorite subjects...Keeping up with the Kardashians. Well everyone was talking about Khloe and referring to her as "the fat one:"...when apparently (I have no recollection of this) I said "stop calling her fat, not everyone can help it if they are the bigger sister"

Speaking of being the fat sister, I just got home from Chilis...I thought when I was ordering "I feel like being semi healthy...today I want a blackbean burger" a generally healthy choice, at least a lot better than the decisions I tend to make...Oh but wait...I added cheese, removed pickles and onions, and french fries instead of vegetables...oh well you win some you lose some.

I've been thinking a lot about changes. I was sitting at the mall the other day...watching people walk by while sister was finishing her mani. I have never considered myself hugely trendy...in fact I'm usually a season or 2 behind. It takes me a while to warm up to new fashion ideas. I was thinking about it and I distinctly remember in 7th grade when I made the declaration that I would always have bangs...I decided that my forehead was too big for me to ever lose the bangs. Well some time between then and early high school I lost the bangs...it was a slow progression (that I blame soley on Jennifer Aniston) the layers got longer and longer until the front that was formerly bangs grew into a layer near my chin. Until bangs were so 1995...and I balked at the fact that I ever had them. As I grew older I think I grew less tolerable of change...I remember as a college student saying "ugh, I can't believe bangs are coming back...who does that?" Before I knew it my bangs were again getting shorter and shorter...until I am now writing this with a swoop bang much like most of the population that is my age.

I promise I am going somewhere with all of this mundane talk about my hair...it made me realize what a jerk I can be sometimes. I wouldn't go as far to say that I am judgemental...because I feel like I am fairly open minded...but I do think I am a hypocrite...I mean I'm using the hair thing as an example...but why is it lame when I am not one of the ones doing something....then it becomes more ok as I cross the line and find myself doing the same thing I once made fun of.

Friday, April 25, 2008

i dislike cvs...

So, I really don't like drug stores, I don't really know what it is, they just feel skeezy to me. I avoid them for the most part. So imagine my dissapointment when I woke up this morning and realized I would probably need to go to one.

Today started out...not like most, I got to sleep in. But thanks to Starbucks, I now wake up hungry when I sleep past 4 am...so I woke up around 9...starving. I rolled over and reached for my remote control to watch a little regis and kelly before getting up and finding food. I hit the power button and nothing. This has been a common problem lately, apparently my remote control drains batteries, we don't have any batteries...and I have already switched the remote batteries with virtually every other appliance with batteries in my house...so I manage to turn the tv on using the other remote...but it was on E!. That would normally not be a problem, I love E! and even with a functioning remote would leave it on E! for hours...but not this morning...it was the E! true hollywood story of Tyra Banks. So I force myself up...good thing I was hungry...I get minimally dressed, which basically means changing t-shirts and shorts for a different t shirt and shorts, put my hair in a pony tail brush my teeth and head out.

I decided I wanted panera for breakfast, a chocolate chip bagel with rasberry cream cheese (hey, it's the day after my birthday...I can still eat what I want). On the way there I was thinking about where I would go to get batteries, I don't live near a target, my first choice...walmart isn't too far, but not really on my way...and I don't really like going to walmart..especially for 1 thing...when I passed a cvs...I don't like drug stores, but it seemed like the best option for just running in and getting 2 things (I had also decided I needed a dr. pepper).

So I go in...drug stores have a distinct smell...I don't know what it is, cheap merchandise mixed with prescriptions maybe. Luckily batteries are right when you walk in...so I grabbed some. I wasthen compelled to walk around a bit. I don't know where that came from, I normally hate browsing, I'm a go get what you need and out kinda girl. Maybe it is something they put in the air...part of that weird smell perhaps it is laced with something. So I walk towards the drinks but walking slowly so that I don't miss anything I may or may not need walking by. One thing I noticed was pomegranite 7 up...SICK!!! I don't love 7 up to begin with, probably because I equate it with being sick like every other kid in america to was made to drink it when they were sick...and I have always been a little grossed out by this new trend to add flavors to various drinks, but if people enjoy vanilla, cherry, lemon...whatever added to their drink I'm not here to judge...but POMIGRANITE!? So I make it to the drink case manage to get a normal dr. pepper (don't worry I checked twice) and start toward the register...with candy stratigically placed to the right. I glanced over, I can usually resist...especially at 9:30 am...but for whatever reason I decided I NEEDED york peppermint patties (which I am enjoying as I write this) . So I wait to pay, feeling only minimally duped by cvs...I mean, I got what I needed, with only 1 extra item...so I still felt like I had my dignity, until I set my stuff on the counter...I glanced to the right...where I saw it in all it's glory, the jumbo people crossword puzzle book. it might as well have had a beam of light shining on it. I snatched it up before the old man standing behind me could even think about perhaps grabbing it for himself. So slightly ashamed but mostly excited at the prospect of spending the rest of my day doing crossword puzzles about celebrities...I pay my $23 and leave.

Then I got back in my car and reazlied what had just happened...I just paid $10 for a crossword puzzle book...thatI would probably do 2-3 puzzles today...then the book would wind up shoved under my bed until I have to clean it out because I'm looking for a shoe that I haven't seen in months...and then promptly gets put in another pile of useless stuff never to be seen again.

Who am I ?!...

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

welcome back

I kinda hate myseld for getting sucked back into the world of blogging. I thought I was better than that, but nope, here I am. I am not convinced I am ready for a renewed blog commitment, but I guess I'll never know unless I try. Really, over the last week or so I have had a few conversations about blogging, or my lack there of, so here I go.

I stopped originally because I just never felt like I had anything to say...I don't know if that has really changed, but I think about lots of crazy things and sometimes I like feedback.

Like for starters, lately I have been having weird dreams...one night I had a dream I was a barista at chilis, and I was mad that I still had to wear khaki pants while the people who worked at chilis could wear jeans. Another time I had a dream that a friend of mine was forcing me to live with her husbands parents in New Braunfels...there is lots of weird stuff, but I don't really remember my dreams unless I think about it when I wake up. A few days ago I had a dream about iced green tea...which compelled me to try it the next day...I prefer passion tea.

And can we talk about why today was the most innapropriate day in the drive thru...I got called "baby", "sweetheart", "cutie", and "honey" all by various older men...not only is it creepy when it is old men...but I don't like pet names in general.

I think that is all for now...I'm going to bed